According to Ron Artest, Ron Artest is going to be signed by the L.A. Lakers to a five-year, $33-million contract (the full mid-level exception in NBA salary cap parlance).

“I am very excited to finally be going to L.A.,” Artest said in a statement. “For years now, the Lakers have expressed interest in having me play for them, but we could never get the stars to align. I’m finally a Laker and I can’t wait to get on the court with Kobe, Pau and the rest of the team, and play for Phil. I’m very, very excited to be a Laker. I look forward to helping the Lakers defend their championship, and it will be great to finally not get booed in the Staples Center.”

That’s a good line about not getting booed in the Staples Center, except, if I were Ron, I wouldn’t count my chickens before they hatch.  Things occasionally go south on him for no very good reason, and if that happens in L.A., there will be booing.

It’s nice for Ron though that he is finally getting his wish.  Now he can live in L.A. with all the other big music impresarios.  Let’s hope the glitz and glamour don’t go to his head.  And if they do go to his head, let’s hope he doesn’t freestyle rap about it.

Thursday afternoon’s game between the Astros and Padres was delayed for 52 minutes after a swarm of bees decided to take over left field.  Looking at the video, the bees seemed to enter the ballpark through a magic jacket thrown over the back of a folding chair near the bullpen.  A person in a white bee-suit - every major league park keeps one of those handy - had to come with a big can of Raid and spray the bees, which, instead of dying, only seemed to get irritated.

I don’t know if PETA has issued a statement yet, but when they do, everyone will make fun of it.  Actually, the mysterious collapse of bee colonies is a very serious matter, especially to people who make a living keeping bees.  It seems the bees are dealing with the problem themselves by migrating closer to bullpens.  They must be attracted by bored antics, foul language and tobacco spit.

Just to prove that male athletes have no monopoly on stupidity, Phoenix Mercury star Diana Taurasi was cited for DUI early Thursday morning after being pulled over by Phoenix police. Cops say Taurasi was stopped for speeding, and was issued a field sobriety test after the officer smelled liquor on her.  She was then taken to a mobile DUI van to give a blood sample, after which she was cited and released.

If this was part of some WNBA push to be taken seriously alongside male hoops…nice try, but I don’t think it’s going to work.  I mean, sure, getting hit with a DUI citation will be good for Taurasi’s street cred, but I’m sorry, the story is just not juicy enough to get any run.

If the WNBA wants real publicity, they need to encourage their players to do more than just get pulled over and cited:  there needs to be some resisting arrest, or getting caught with a bunch of drugs, or running red lights because you’re in such a hurry to receive oral sex.  The WNBA will never be taken seriously as long as its players insist on being cooperative with authorities.  At least flee the scene.

Perhaps the league could hold some kind of symposium?  Charles Barkley could be a guest speaker.  They could bring in people from other leagues too, like Donte’ Stallworth and…I was gonna say Jim Leyritz, but releasing him in a room full of women would probably not be a great idea.

Sportswriter Thinks Charles Barkley Blogs For FanSided! (Sir Charles in Charge)

Never Try To Rob An Old Boxer (Sports Rubbish)

2009 Fantasy Football Keeper Rankings: Quarterbacks (Sharapova’s Thigh)

5 Athletes That Shouldn’t Act Ever Again (No Guts, No Glory)

DJ Mayonnaise Hands Punks Steve Nash, Bosh, Mutu, & Thierry Henry, Video (NESW Sports)

Sit Down Juan Pierre, Manny’s Back (Fantasy Pros 911)

Ken Griffey Jr: A Bronx Tale (Josh Q. Public)

Airplane Diverted After Man Strips Naked Mid-Flight (Travelin’ Light)

Christmas in July: What Sibling Sports Rivals Want Santa to Do (Paneech.com)

Top Five “Hot Dog” Athletes (Steady Burn)

Snoop’s Lakers Low Rider (Lake Show Life)

What if Cole Hamels Joined Wifey on Survivor (Fansided)

Thank You Paul Allen (12th Man Rising)

Jim Leyritz is making a name for himself in life after baseball, and not in a good way.  With charges still pending on a 2007 incident in which he killed a woman while driving drunk, the former Yankee World Series hero has been arrested and charged with beating his ex-wife Karrie.  Details from the New York Daily News:

Leyritz went ballistic and dragged Karrie Leyritz out of bed and socked her twice because she’d written a check without his permission, police said.

She fled to a neighbor’s house and called the cops, who found her bleeding from a cut above one eye - and streaks of blood on the walls of the couple’s home in Davie, Fla.

Leyritz, 45, is expected to be arraigned later in the day.

It wasn’t immediately clear where Leyritz was when cops arrived, but when he was arrested later he claimed his ex was drunk and hurt herself to frame him.

It’s sad to say this about anyone, but, clearly Jim Leyritz needs to be locked up.  He is a menace to everyone in the world, including himself, and requires some quiet time alone to ponder where he is in his life.  Making license plates can be very relaxing.

For the second year in a row, Venus Williams and Serena Williams will meet in the finals at Wimbledon.  They’re sisters in case you hadn’t heard.  But they’re not related to either Pat Williams or Kevin Williams, nor are Pat and Kevin related to each other.  I have no clue if any of them are in any way related to Paul Williams, but I’m gonna guess no (just a shot in the dark).

The All-Williams final, which is a good thing for American TV ratings but not necessarily for making the other girls feel like they’re getting a fair shot, almost didn’t happen.  Venus held up her side of the deal without any trouble, annihilating that big chicken Dinara Safina 6-0, 6-1, but Serena had all kinds of problems with Elena Dementieva, having to save match point in the third set before rallying to win.

On the surface, it would seem that Venus is the heavy favorite, having pretty much destroyed everyone she’s played, including Ana Ivanovic who left the court weeping (that had mostly to do with her injured thigh but I’m guessing Venus kicking her ass didn’t help).  But, you just never know what can happen when siblings get together.  Venus could win, or Serena could win, or the whole thing could degenerate into a Wes Anderson movie.

My money’s on Venus winning.  But if Jason Schwartzman should be spotted in the stands, well, then look out.

The Pistons started off the NBA free agency period by snapping up a pair of new players, former Bulls sharpshooter Ben Gordon and former Bucks Gollum lookalike Charlie Villanueva.

An unnamed source has placed the value of Gordon’s contract at more than $50 million, and Villanueva’s at around $35 million.  Gordon is the real steal:  he averaged 20 points last year for the playoff Bulls, and was an absolute mad bomber (and occasional jock-grabber) in the playoffs.

Hopefully, whoever becomes the new Pistons coach will have better luck integrating Gordon into the offense than the recently-fired Michael Curry had with Allen Iverson.  Villanueva, meanwhile, figures to step in for Rasheed Wallace who will be barking at the refs somewhere other than Detroit next season.

Former boxing champion Alexis Arguello, who had been serving as the mayor of Managua for the past year, was found dead in his home of a gunshot wound on Wednesday according to a spokesperson for the president of Nicaragua.

Arguello compiled an 82-8 record during his boxing career, with 65 knockouts, and held championships in three different weight divisions.  His most famous fights included a pair of duels with arch nemesis Aaron Pryor, and one with Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini which Arguello won via referee stoppage after knocking Mancini on his can in the 14th.

Arguello was 57.

Singer R. Kelly, who is still trying to rehab his image after being acquitted of child pornography charges a few years ago, is facing more legal trouble in Illnois, and yes, it’s related to his activities with a minor female.

According to MediaTakeOut, Kelly is currently under investigation by the Olympia Fields Police Department on suspicions of statutory rape.  The site says cops recently searched Kelly’s home, looking for evidence of his activities with an unnamed girl who is currently of-age in Illinois, but wasn’t a few months ago when Kelly was allegedly doing stuff with her he wasn’t supposed to (let’s hope taping wasn’t involved).

The police reportedly have signed affidavits from witnesses placing the girl at Kelly’s residence on consecutive nights prior to her 17th birthday.  Officials from Olympia Fields Police Department confirmed to MediaTakeOut that they are continuing their investigation.  Kelly is presently in South Africa on tour, and if he’s smart, he’ll remain outside the country a la Roman Polanski.

You have to seriously question the intelligence and sanity of a guy who would follow up narrowly escaping prison for messing with young girls by messing with another young girl.  What the hell’s wrong with the 20-year-olds R.?

Tiger Woods was put in an unusual spot by football legend Jim Brown:  the golfing king was actually criticized (cue the dramatic music) and had to defend himself.  Brown’s criticism had nothing to do with Tiger’s golf game though; it was all about Tiger’s profile in the black community, and his unwillingness to speak out on social issues.

Tiger was given a chance to respond by lapdog interviewer Mike Wilbon on ESPN, and his defense of himself was pretty weak.  “Well I’ve kinda got this foundation you know,” Tiger said (I’m paraphrasing), “and I think it does a pretty good job you know.  So old Mr. Meanie Jim Brown can just go take a flying leap as far as I’m concerned.”

Yeah, Tiger’s not used to anyone saying anything bad about him, even though he sort of invites it by coming across as exactly the kind of smug prick you would expect a man to be if he were rich, had a ridiculously hot trophy wife and spent most of his time playing golf.

Actually, if Tiger had really wanted to answer Brown and not snivel his way around it, he could’ve just come out and told Brown to shove it up his wrinkly old butt.  And then what would Brown have said?  I don’t know, and I don’t think Tiger would’ve cared.  You don’t have to care about much when you’re on your way to having a billion in the bank, except where to park your yacht.