Victory alas for The Namesake and his crew — Tank Johnson beat the blood alcohol test he took not too long ago in Arizona. His blood test revealed a .072 BAC. As all boozers know anything under .08 and you’re in the clear. Tank not only wasn’t legally impaired, but he was also very cooperative with the boys in blue (no, I’m not talking about the Bears). I still see why Da Bears gave him the axe — he was speeding at 3:30 AM, after drinking at least a little bit — but this could help Tank out considerably as he shops for a new team.

Here’s my favorite quote from the piece over on the WWL:

The Bears declined comment Monday.”

Most premature ejaculators do. Tank may be a reputed liar, but he wasn’t lying about not being drunk.

So The Postmen “have always had a weird thing for Rachel Nichols” too? That’s messed up; I thought I was the only one with a completely weird R-Nick obsession.

Even one of the site’s commentors has a crush on my BWDKIY. Check out this quote (Fornelli from Foul Balls):

I’ve kinda always had a thing for Nichols too. Whereas I’m pretty sure Erin Andrews would laugh off my advances, I get the feeling Nichols would get on her knees after a few drinks.

That and there’s something about her eyes that makes me think she’s into all kinds of freaky shit.”

Looks like I have some competition other than her husband. At least I’m not alone in my weirdness.

This YouTube clip of Yi Jianlian being drafted and then interviewed by Stu Scott (props to TrueHoop for the find) is ridiculous. First off, Fran Fraschilla calls Easy Yi “50 Cent.” Then you have the Yi interview itself. My God, now we know why Yao rolled with a translator for so damn long.

 Nice save, Stu. At least he wears Sean Jean.

Anyway, this brings up an interesting question: Who is the worst interviewee in the NFL?

Here are a few of my candidates:

• Clinton Portis - He might want to stick with his alter-egos, because he sounds dumb as fuck in real life. Does he really think Dubya and Dick are out there on the White House lawn fightin’ Pitts? And snake fights? He made a complete jackass out of himself. Go ahead, watch it for yourself .
• Eli Manning - I haven’t seen a “mumbling, stuttering prick” like this since Michael Imperioli played Spider. Even though he looks like he has Down Syndrome, he’s not necessarily dumb. It’s just that he’s really nasally, plus he stutters a bit and has that Southern drawl. That is a bad, bad combo. Watch Cut That Meat run circles around him in this interview.
• LaVar Arrington - Nothing’s worse than a dumbass who actually believes he’s intelligent, not to mention cool. I remember having to turn off ESPN’s Dream Job several times because of Easy Rider. Just listen to this retard. That has to be the gayest MNF player intro ever.
• Jerramy Stevens - When you talk shit and can’t back it up at all, you make this list. As a matter of fact, the psyche out job he did on himself, paired with firing up the opposing Steelers, might have lost his team a Super Bowl. This is what he said:

The story of Jerome Bettis returning to his hometown (Detroit) is heartwarming, but it’s going be a sad day when he doesn’t walk away with that trophy.”

And then he dropped about 63 passes during the big game, catching only three passes for 25 yards. Pathetic.

• Philip Rivers - He seems like a good dad and all, but he annoys the shit out of me. It’s like Alec Baldwin said in Glengarry Glen Ross:

“Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you — go home and play with your kids!!“

Sorry I had to go there, but there’s something about Rivers that just irks me. I don’t know if it’s his drawl or his choir boy ways, but I can’t handle him. It might also be due to the fact that I loathe the San Diego Chokers.

Traffic really isn’t poppin’ as of yet, but if anyone has any suggestions feel free to register and leave a comment.

Nothing is more American than blondes, breastesses and Old Glory. Well, other than NFL players racking up DUIs like there were incentives in their contracts to do so. That being said, I have two questions for yous:

A.) How many NFL players will get DUIs this Holiday week?

B.) What would you still do to get in the middle of the Dahm Triplets?

Think it over and get back to me…

• Jon Kitna is killin’ me right about now. First, homeboy says that his cowardly Lions are going to win 12 games next year. Now he’s saying that he’s going to throw for 50 TDs? Peyton Manning went absolutely apeshit a few years back and only hit 49. C.J. and his little Roy Toy are good, but he’s acting like he’s got Flash Gordon on one side and Jesus on the other, with Jerry Rice circa 1989 in the slot. He’s completely insane, and that’s why Jon Kitna is quickly becoming a P.J. favorite. That’s it, I just decided something — we’re doing Kitna Watch now, counting down from 50 until he gets that last one and shatters that punk Cut That Meat’s record.
• The Hater Nation says no to adding Michael Strahan to the Hall. C’mon, I know that it’s easy to hate on him and his front two, but dude at least has a good chance to get in. Then again, the greatest sack artist of all time still hasn’t gotten in.
• Dave from FSB’s own Riggo’s Rag thinks that it’s time for all of those rookie standouts from “North Dakota State Teacher’s College” to “sign the bleeping contracts.”
• Big props to the people over at The Blog of Hilarity for this comic strip of The Namesake. Hopefully, he won’t be out of our lives too soon, though. We’re all having too much fun at his expense. I guess there’s always Chris “The Rap Sheet Decathlete” Henry.
• If the NFL was a league in Singapore, you’d get caned for saying this — “Heath Shuler More Talented Than Peyton Manning? Their College Coach Thinks So.” What else even needs to be said here? That’s like saying Tony Mandarich was more talented than Jonathan Ogden or something.
• Memo to the Miami Dolphins: Tell C-Pepp to do that gay little roll he does somewhere besides South Florida, and do it fast. Now that his trial has been pushed back to the 18th, you can’t let this distraction go on any longer — he’s only just begun to whine. And trust me, nobody is going to trade for Daunte Culpepper at this point.
• Peter “Burger” King hasn’t released his Monday Morning QB yet, so I’ll surely have something to rant about later on during my Monday Bangover. Stay tuned…