“If Everyday People were Pro Athletes” is a feature I’ll be running every Tuesday, from now until I run out of bloggers, celebrities, friends and family members to offend and/or alienate myself from. Hopefully, most of the people I know will continue to act like blogs don’t exist. Furthermore, if any of these people do have blogs, then they will probably come back and embarrass me way more than I can them. Fuck it. Let’s start this off right anyway…

There’s this girl I’ve known since high school. I even remember the first time I saw her. I had just transferred to a new school and was a junior football player. All of us varsity football players were waiting to run out of the weight room and into the pep rally that was taking place in the auditorium. We were peering out onto the floor, where the cheerleaders were, well, cheerleading, and that’s when I saw her. I said, “Who in the hell is that?” My buddy replied, “She’s a sophomore. _____ _______.” Right then and there I knew I had laid eyes on my first dime.

I dated one of her best friends and ultimately became best friends with her, in that guy-girl best friend sort of way. Eventually, I even dated her. It was long distance, but it wouldn’t have worked out even if we lived down the street from one another. Still, we’ve remained close. After that I moved around for about five years and just recently moved back to Missouri, where I grew up and she still lives.

She’s always been cool and she’s always been hot. More importantly, she always knew that she was both cool and hot. She was everybody’s All-American coming out of high school. Vitale would have labeled her a Diaper Dandy. Bilas would have rambled on about her tremendous upside potential. She would have made Kiper’s big board. Point blank — she was the hottest girl ever to walk out of my high school.

I came back, and even though she’s still cool and hot, I’m kind of like what’s the big deal. She even has fake hoo-haas now. Maybe it’s just that she really hasn’t grown up and has been stuck in a shitty relationship with this screwed-up dude for almost four years now. Or that she changes both her wardrobe and hairstyle every other week (insecure? unstable? I think yes). Again, I’m not sure what it is exactly.

Yes, she’s apparently had a few fights with chickenheads downtown. Yes, her confidence is a little low. But there isn’t one isolated incident or reason that I can pinpoint here.

Nothing really triggered this, but one recent day everything just changed. I was sitting around talking to my bro and I said, “she’s just another girl.”

He then pointed out how we had said the same thing about LaVar Arrington a few years back. Coming out of Penn State, LaVar was going to be the second coming of Lawrence Taylor. Now, it’s like he was pretty good, I guess. It wasn’t even his motorcycle accident either. LaVar just gradually went from being the sexiest linebacker ever drafted (remember this clip), to being just another above-average backer.

And that’s what’s happened to _____ _______. She went from being a girl that guys would dismember themselves to sleep with, to just another girl. It’s almost like someone pulled Kryptonite on these two, there’s almost no other way to explain what’s gone down. Now, I genuinely hope that both LaVar and homgirl pick themselves up and go on to see better days. I’m just not so sure that will happen, though, because most linebackers and women start to deteriorate once they hit 30.

(If you have any suggestions or examples, or even a short piece you would like to submit for this feature, don’t hesitate to e-mail me at pacmanjonesin@gmail.com. I will run your piece or run with your ideas as part of the feature, and give you credit/linkage. Until next time…)

The Namesake isn’t the only person Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young can’t seem to keep in check. Vince’s fiancee Candice Johnson was recently seen “all over” Kansas City Chiefs LB Derrick Johnson at a party in Houston. Vince may be on the cover of Madden 08, but his girl is the one playing the games. Speaking of games, the Titans host the Chiefs on December 17. D.J. vs. V.Y. — that could get ugly.

(props to Chris from Arrowhead Pride for the 411)

I woke up this morning and found these images (right) over on what is quickly becoming one of my favorite Web destinations — Nyjer Please. Do yourself a favor and blow those bad boys up, then we’ll talk.

Now that you’ve taken a gander, holy shit, right? What are these numnuts thinking? This was discovered on MySpace, so just imagine how many people have access to it (like that matters now).

First off, I wonder if all of these players have officially been contacted about this (I hope not). As we all know, T.O. is suing a club for something very similar.

Second, many of the NFL players listed were rookies. Didn’t those guys just complete the rookie symposium? I’m pretty sure the main point of that event was explicitly clear — stay the fuck away from anywhere where they “make it rain.” So what do they do in response? A handful of them run out and attach their names to a “Special NFL Celebrity Super Extravanganza” (superlatives, anyone?), a shindig which has the phrase “Let It Rain Power Hour” on its flier. Those slick sons of bitches. They swapped “make” out for “let.” That’s going to totally fool Roger Goodell and his boys.

There were also a lot of second-year players on that list — like Casey Printers, Mario Williams and Michael Huff — which leads me to ask the following question: Have young guys in the NFL learned anything from The Namesake and his crew? I understand partying and what not, trust me, but why don’t they just send Goodell an invitation himself. Incognito isn’t exactly the adjective that comes to mind here.

Anyway, I’m thinking that either Chris Houston or Tanard Jackson does something stupid, if anyone at all. Houston looks like a Pacman in training, and Tanard had his fair share of trouble back at the ‘Cuse, and both are CBs, just like you know who.

If you’re tempted to go, it takes place in Austin on July 14. If you can’t make it, no worries — the NBA Superstars are “in the house” July 28!

• First off, if you’re new to the blog (which is still rather new itself) and want to know what its all about  — here’s the mission statement.
• The Phinsider guest writer Travis Wingfield tells us why Zach Thomas is a HOFer. Face, Prisco!
• If you haven’t seen this video of Mike Tice and the rest of the ‘85 Seahawks that has been circulating the blogosphere, go and watch it right now. We now know why Tice sold his Super Bowl tickets — his wife didn’t want him to get inebriated and start dancing (if you can call it dancing) like that. (Found on*12 Seahawks Street via Kissing Suzy Kolber via Enjoy the Enjoyment via With Leather)
• LeCharles Bentley, not to be confused with Fonzworth Bentley, has an amazing story. Not only did his patella tendon injury and resultant staff infection almost cost him his leg, it almost cost him his life. I’m serious. Now, he vows that he’ll not only make a comeback, but suit up and start for the Browns opening day. This is crazy considering that it was previously believed that Bentley’s career was over.
• Adam Levy, my colleague over at RealFootball365.com, has a new column out featuring a hodge-podge of Niners YouTube. My personal favorites are former 49ers PR director Kirk Reynolds’ spoof videos. That guy wrote the book on what not to do in the world of PR. At least for everybody else he did.
• T.O. is suing an NYC nightclub 600,000 big ones for using his name and likeness without his permission. Looks like they should have rolled with The Namesake. We know he doesn’t mind clubs using his name or likeness.
• Thanks, Ben Maller, for squashing that idiotic L.J.-to-Dallas rumor. I wish the Chiefs would just use some of that $16.2 million in cap room and re-sign the man. Maybe King Carl is just looking forward to a little Hard Knocks drama.
• Believe it or not, Patriots D-lineman Richard Seymour easily made more money than any other NFL player in ‘06, grossing just under $25 million. Most of that total was due to a redunkulous $24 M in bonuses. Drew Brees came in second at $22 M. The craziest thing about Seymour’s contract is that in ‘07 he’ll only make what T.O. sues clubs for, also known as $600,000.