Christian Bale is my favorite younger actor, so you know I had to spoof Rescue Dawn. If there’s one pro sports franchise — hell, one sports city — in dire need of being rescued it’s Cleveland. Since the Cavs and Indians have each won conference/league championships since the Browns, the Browns are the franchise which most needs rescuing. Really, the Browns are lucky to even be around after getting relocated fucked in the ass by former owner Art Modell. Still, the Browns have some of the best fans in the entire NFL, and are a franchise worthy of resurrection.

Bale has resuscitated a deader-than-Christian-Slater’s-career Batman franchise, so anything is possible. Now, two rookies — QB Brady Quinn and OT Joe Thomas — will attempt to give the Browns the same treatment. Personally, Quinn worries me. Sure, he’s talented, but I think that being a pretty boy QB from Notre Dame who played for Charlie Wies has caused him to be a tad bit drastically overrated. As for Thomas, yeah, I think he’s Tony Boselli all over again. He won’t be as good as guys like Jones, Ogden, Pace and Roaf were, but he’ll dominate more often than not.
I’m just not sure these two have enough to make the Browns winners again. Sure, players like Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow are mega-talents, but where’s the rest of the talent? The Browns have a league-leading $22 million in cap room, which explains its lack of across-the-board talent. You’ve gotta spend money to win in today’s NFL. Just look at the Colts.

Some are saying that Rescue Dawn is the performance of Bale’s career, which is a bold statement considering his already stellar big-screen track record. Can we please get this guy an Oscar nod? I lot of people have slept on him, but he’s made his name anyway. Maybe Quinn can pull off the same feat. I do know this — it seems like there are a lot of haters out there that want him to fall flat on his face.

What to see this weekend:

• Rescue Dawn (limited release) – Bale starring in a Werner Herzong-directed Hollywood POW movie. That’s can’t miss. Oh yeah, Los Angeles Clippers star Elton Brand produced this flick. Another good reason to see the film, if it’s even playing in your city.
• UFC Stacked (73) – Since there isn’t another big-screen new release that’s worth a damn, watch this. UFC Stacked should wind up being the best UFC PPV in a long time. Ortiz vs. Evans, Silva vs. Marquardt and Sherk vs. Franca. Wow. The best thing about this card is that the three big dogs (Ortiz, Sherk and Silva) aren’t shoe-ins to win. Well, maybe my boy Anderson “The Spider” Silva is a sure bet. His Muay Thai is crazy; I’ll never forget when he knocked Rich Franklin’s nose sideways to win the title. Anyway, if you are even remotely interested in MMA, then find a way to watch this event. You’ll be a fan after tomorrow.

What to avoid like Ron Mexico’s sloppy seconds:

• License to Wed – Robin William’s name has legally been changed to The Kiss of Death. Goodnight, Vietnam. (11% overall critical score over on Rotten Tomatoes — were they trying to make it bad?)
• Transformers – Michael Bay. Bad reviews. Overdone CGI. Save yourself some dough and rent this if you need your Transformers fix. I still can’t believe they greenlit a $150 million budget for a movie starring Shia LaBeouf. He’s white, but his name sounds like a Middle-Eastern sexual position to me. Weird.

What to rent if you want to have some tail over to the crib (or some man-meat, I guess, just to be P.C.):

• Apocalypto – Who cares if it’s in Mayan — she’ll think you’re bright and cultured, and halfway through she’ll be bored as hell. There’s a good bet that she’ll either make a move, or let you. Even if you strike out, Gib Daddy’s latest is pretty damn enjoyable.
• The Fountain – My boy Aronofsky is guaranteed to touch her deeply with this joint. Hopefully, she’ll do the same to you after the credits roll. I highly recommend this one even if you can’t get any wool over.