My dad is kind of like The Show-Me State Liz Taylor — dude has been married six times to four women. The thing is, the guy grew up in a no-nonsense world where only school, business and sports mattered. He sees everything as either success or failure, and that includes relationships.

With that being said, there is only one comparison I can make: When it comes to marriage, my dad is Cleveland sports. His failed marriages have been as agonizing as some of the worst sports losses in the history of The Mistake on the Lake. And then some.

Let’s take a journey back… way back…

Marriage One and Two/My Mom (My Dad = The 1986-87 Cleveland Browns) - Back in the day, my dad was a young, promising doc who was determined to make things work for his family. The first time around things looked good, but at the end he screwed up and his marriage fell apart. She packed up her shit, us kids and The Drive followed. The second time was a little rougher, but at the end he had a chance to really make it work. He fumbled before he could get back on the same page. He pulled a Schottenheimer and never did get another shot. Like Elway, my mom was just too good for him back then. No offense, pops, she had the advantage — you’re a man.

Marriage Three/My Sister’s Mom (My Dad = The 1989 Cleveland Cavaliers) - My dad was no longer young, but he was older, wiser and still had plenty of game. He was a player for sure, but he overestimated himself. He met a young, good-looking, tall, athletic thing that was way out of his league. He stayed with her for longer than anyone ever imagined, but in the end she burned him with The Shot. She ended up with his MVP trophy (her body) and his championship (his daughter). And, yes, like Jordan she celebrated big time and burned plenty of others after him.

Marriage Four and Five/The Gold Digger (My Dad = The 1997-98 Cleveland Indians) - The first time they matched-up, everybody knew she had money, but she acted like she had more than she really did. She let my old man get close — oh, man, did she let him get ever so close — but eventually she broke his heart and tore apart the family afterwards. The next time they gave it a go, she came back richer, greedier and more powerful. He must have been mesmerized by the pussy, kind of like the pinstripes. She disposed of him quickly and said afterwards, “I felt like a prostitute.” Yankee-esque indeed.

Marriage Six/The Boss (My Dad = The 2007 Cleveland Cavaliers) - Just happy to finally have made it all the way, my dad is now getting thoroughly dominated. There was never any question who was going to win this one, as she was in charge from the start — a la Big Fundamentals and his crew.

The Villian/My Aunt/His Sister (My Dad = The 1996-98 Dawg Pound Fans) - If there is one person who has fucked my dad’s life up Art Modell-style, then it would have to be his sister. 6-foot-1, 3-hun and as ruthless as they come.

(If you have any suggestions or examples, or even a short piece you would like to submit for this feature, don’t hesitate to e-mail me at pacmanjonesin@gmail.com. I will run your piece or run with your ideas as part of the feature, and give you credit/linkage. Until next time…)

We interrupt this regularly NFL/UFC/cleavage-based blog to inform you that our least favorite NBA player, Antoine Walker aka ‘Toine the Chucker, got robbed — again. I’m sorry, but when you get robbed at gunpoint twice in your own hometown — once in his ride, once at his crib — you’re kind of a bitch. I realize that the Windy City is dangerous and all, but I’ve been out there many a nights and never, ever did I once think I was in danger of begging mugged/robbed/chain-jacked (not that I wear one anyway, and I’m not loaded, but you get the gist). You don’t see Ben Gordon or Juwon Howard getting robbed there, do you?

Since he wasn’t injured at all, I don’t feel bad for making fun of him. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but I don’t think that this is necessarily a coincidence. Chicagoans just don’t respect this dude. How could that be any more clear? I still can’t believe that LeBron and M.J. (no, not the pederast) befriended this guy. What’s even more unbelievable is that the Miami Heat still owe him $40 million [Basketbawful - where they have a great spin on all of this]. I hope that one title — let me make myself clear here, by saying the Heat will not win another title any time soon — was worth it.

And who robs a person’s home at 5:30 PM? I can see robbing a bank at that time, but a house? Chicago thugs need to step their game up.

(“If Everyday People were Pro Athletes” will be up late tonight.)

• Anna Benson is taking on that duschebag Tiger Woods’ wife over in Our Book of Scrap’s “Who is the Hottest Wife/Girlfriend in Sports?” contest. I’ve got a soft sport for brunettes, so go over there and vote for Benson. Besides, I like that Nordegren is a twin and all, but don’t you think Benson would be a whole lot freakier? I knew you’d see my reasoning — now go vote!
• Deuce of Davenport dropped the second list of “Drinks That Should Be Named After Pro Athletes,” this list being comprised completely of reader suggestions. Oh yeah, P.J. made the cut.
• Matt Mosley of Hashmarks informs us that ex-Maryland T Jared Gaither probably won’t even be a third-round pick in this week’s NFL Supplemental Draft. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here. I mean, the guy would have been a top-10 pick if he had stayed in school another year or two, and now he’s not worth a measly third-rounder? Not only do fans overrate middle-round draft picks, teams overrate middle-round draft picks.
• Pyle of List’s latest installment of “A Guide to Recognizing Your Bloggers,” featuring Big Daddy Drew of KSK, is a good one. Be sure to check that out.
• According to 100% Injury Rate, Rashad Evans only netted $16,000 grand against Tito Ortiz’s $210,000 for Saturday’s UFC 73 main event fight. That’s just wrong, man. I can’t believe that guys were only getting $3,000 in compensation for fighting on a PPV card. For Dana White and the UFC’s sake, I hope this information (originally from MMAFighting.com via the California State Athletic Commission) is erroneous. I understand that some of these guys would fight for free, but still.
• Stampede Blue continues to entertain us with the ongoing Cut The Meat-The Supermodel Impregnator debate.
• The voting is now open for The Jets Blog’s 2006-07 Jetsies. TJB is definitely one of the best NFL team blogs out there, so go check out The Jetsies.
• Ken MacAfee, the very first NFL tight end ever, died last week. As a former tight end myself, I had to pay my respects to the Godfather of TEs. - Fanhouse

If you don’t know who YouTube Sports‘ superstar vlogger Kige Ramsey is (here’s the homepage for “The Kige Ramsey Show”), then you don’t read sports blogs or visit YouTube. Kige has been featured all over the sports blogosphere — on our network (FSB), on Hashmarks, over at Deadspin, etc. Over the past few months, the guy has become a star, an overnight broadcast sensation. That’s why I had to look him up for an interview. Enjoy!

• Tell us what everyone is dying to know — who is Kige Ramsey?

Kige: “I am a 20-year-old student at Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green, Kentucky, and I am hoping to major in broadcasting.”

• When and why did you decide to start following that dream by doing vlog-style video reports on YouTube?

Kige: “It was May of 2007, and I had been on YouTube for over a year. I saw the ways the site was being used to show music and other stuff, and I saw the way music was being shown on the site. So, I decided to use it for my passion which is sports and give my takes on sports issues. In June, I decided to venture outside the sporting realm and give my takes on politics and news.”

• You truly do it all. Speaking of what you do, why do you think you’ve become so popular on YouTube and around the sports blogosphere?

Kige: “The reason that I think that my videos are so popular is that I like to tell my take and get straight to the point. I believe that people want honest no-nonsense opinions and they don’t won’t any watered-down takes or people who don’t seem to mean what they say. That is what I believe Americans are not getting from the mainstream media.”

• True dat. Since the site is Pacman Jonesin’, as a Tennessee Titans fan how do you really feel about The Namesake — Adam “Pacman” Jones?

Kige: “I believe that Pacman Jones got what he deserved; Roger Goodell did the right thing in suspending him for an NFL season. Unfortunately, I do not believe that he will ever change. Vince Young was right when he said that Pacman Jones does not care about the team. That is one reason I do not think that Pacman Jones will ever play another NFL game for the Titans.”

• The Namesake will never play another game? Maybe dominoes in his prison cell, huh? Anyway, who are some of your favorite athletes and celebrities and why? Who are some of your least favorite athletes and celebrities and why?

Kige: “Troy Aikman is my favorite athlete of all time, because he led the Cowboys who were my favorite team before the Titans came to Nashville. Another athlete that I liked a lot was Emmitt Smith because he was the best running back in the NFL at the time. As far as my favorite celebrity, Robin Williams is my favorite because he is so funny and hysterical. My least favorite players are Barry Bonds, because he seems to be a jerk and is always hostile when ever he is asked a question by the media. I also do not like Terrell Owens, he seems to be a greedy selfish person. The celebrities I do not like are Paris Hilton, who seems to be a spoiled rich kid, and Britney Spears, who should not have kids because she seems like she does not know how to raise them properly.”

• I understand completely. After all, why in the world would a Southern gentleman like yourself endorse a couple of tramps like Brit and Paris. Speaking of celebs, you seem like the nicest guy in the world, but borrowing a page from Fight Club: If you could fight any sports celeb who would it be and why?
  

Kige: “I guess it would be George Foreman.”

• I guess that’s what he gets for getting filthy rich off that stupid grill, lying about getting drugged and naming all his kids George. Last question: What’s next for Kige Ramsey?

Kige: “I hope to do more political reports as we get closer to the 2008 Presidential election, I will also do a lot of NFL reports during the NFL regular season and playoffs. I also will be reporting on the 2008 NCAA men’s and women’s tournaments. I also hope to get a degree some time in the near future from Western Kentucky and become a radio broadcaster.”

There you have it. He may seem like a God among insects to us lowly ham-and-egger sports bloggers, podcasters and vloggers, but he’s just another hard-working American sports fan who dislikes Barry Bonds, Paris and T.O. He is mortal after all. Not that his mortality takes away from his shine any. Kige Ramsey, you the man!

Kige Ramsey’s Greatest Hits:

• The iPhone
• Michael Vick Latest
• Abortion
• Cincinnati Bengals Troubles
• Nicole Richie
• Keyshawn Johnson

(If you’re new to the site, then take a second to register. That way you’ll be able to leave comments. The process is quick and painless, and all you need is an e-mail address.)

The Fan-Sided Blogs family proudly launches two new blogs today — Bolt Beat, our new San Diego Chargers blog, and BuffaLowdown, our new Buffalo Bills blog. Joe and Kevin already are pumping out fantastic content, so get your asses over there already. Especially if you rep either of those squads.