The stories of Harry Potter and Matt Leinart aren’t too dissimilar. Both were geeky kids who became prodigies, wildly popular prodigies at that. Both rocked glasses and sported dorky haircuts. Both stories involve (the) Phoenix. Both had a hard time controlling their snakes. Both are the leaders of their respective crews.

Even though those similarities are impossible to dismiss, there remains one similarity that is more obvious than any. Every time there’s a new Harry Potter movie out or a new NFL season around the corner, I hear about how this Harry Potter movie and this Arizona Cardinals team will be the best yet. That is never the actual case. Every Harry Potter installment is the exact same — somewhat entertaining, but overrated. And every Arizona Cardinals team is the exact same — somewhat entertaining, but vastly overrated.

Seriously, people have been telling me that Harry Potter is the greatest series of all time for what seems like a decade now. People kept telling me that I had to read the books. I read one. I’ve watched all of the movies (except Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which dropped Wednesday). I just don’t get it. Harry Potter is OK, but people need to chill the fuck out.

The hype over the Arizona Cardinals is even worse. For what seems like the last 14 years I’ve been hearing that this is the Cardinals’ year. They are always the “it” pre-season sleeper team. I’m sick of it. It’s ironic that this team plays in the desert, because its snake-bitten. I know that they have a new stadium and a new coach. I know that Leinart, Edge, Fitz and ‘Quan are starting to gel. I know that the secondary, on paper at least, should be one of the better ones in the league. I know all of that, and I’m sorry — I don’t care. The Cardinals are not going to be able to shake the loser image. Not this year, and maybe never. I’m a Royals fan, so I feel for Cardinals fans, I really do. Sometimes sports are just a tough racket, though.

What to see this weekend:

• Ratatouille - Pixar is money, so I’ll even recommend this poorly titled flick about a French rodent who wants to be the next Emeril. Everyone else is recommending it too — Ratatouille has a nearly unprecedented 96% fresh rating. - Rotten Tomatoes
• The Prestige - Pair the most-underrated young actor in the film industry with the most-underrated director in the game, add a strong pour of some Hugh Jack, along with a dash of Scarlett Johansson’s bosom , and you have magic. Ironic, since that’s the subject of the film.

What to avoid like Ron Mexico’s sloppy seconds:

• Captivity - Maybe the greatest movie review quote of the year thus far:

“One has to worry about a world where there is a constant appetite for films like this one.”

- Terry Lawson, Detroit Free Press

If you ignore that quote and still go to see this, don’t come back here. Ever.

• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Alfonso Cuarón, one of the best working directors in the business, couldn’t even squeeze a great film out of this franchise the last time around. Plus, you’re football fans and pussyhounds (or dick magnets, maybe). This isn’t your bag of chips.

Yes, it’s juvenile, but I couldn’t resist dropping this headline. Oh yeah, St. Louis Rams CB Fakhir Brown has been suspended for four games by the NFL for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. Way to go there, Fakhir. The Namesake tried to tell you — Roger Goodell ain’t playin’! - The Fanhouse

• DWBP, or Driving While Being Pacman, is apparently now a formal charge. It also looks like The Namesake is being targeted by cops. “You know who I pulled over the other day?” I guess for the boys in blue it’s like telling your crew about some dime (who was really like a 7 1/2) you hooked up with. Pigs these days. - Nation Of Islam Sportsblog
• “What is Playing On Brady Quinn’s iPod?” What more needs to be said, really? To all of you griping about all the Quinn jokes — STFU, it’s not our fault you were born and raised in Cleveland. - The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
• Odell Thurmon went from 148 tackles to working with Chuckie from Good Will Hunting? I think he needs that “Every day I come by your house…” pep talk. Or maybe he likes it? He could be a Peter-from-Office Space kind of guy. - The NFL Guru
• I’ve been to the ATL airport plenty, and it’s not this fun. Unless you’re a pit-fighting, pothead NFL superstar like Ron Mexico, that is. - Kissing Suzy Kolber
• This just in — Corey Simon is fat, worthless and motivated to dupe another team out of $14 million. - Indy Star
• Speaking of moolah, Simon’s old D-line mate Dwight Freeney just became the highest-paid defender in NFL history. Is anybody else waiting for the day that the Colts can only suit up Cut That Meat, Freeney, Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne? How can they afford to keep paying all these guys? - ESPN
• The next Reggie Bush has been discovered. He’s eight years old and white. Hard to believe, but true. - The Big Lead

After basically calling all of us fantasy football fanatics losers last week for getting so caught up in the game, it’s only right that I come back and examine things from the other side. With that being said, here are my “top ten reasons we play this stupid effin’ game”:

10. Fantasy football goes on all Sunday long, which gets us out of church. (please don’t strike me down with lightening, God)

9. How else could a Texans vs. Browns contest possibly be entertaining for anybody who doesn’t live in one of those two dumps (or even for them)? We don’t watch the game, we watch Andre 1000-plus, K2 and J-Lew.

8. Ocho Cinco’s TD celebrations are twice as enjoyable when he scores for your fantasy squad. (they are about 46 times as enjoyable when he’s on your fantasy team and you have a healthy dosage of sauce in ya)

7. Playing against Rex Grossman is kind of like waking up to a really hot girl you’ve never seen before. You almost have to pinch yourself go back for seconds.

6. When your fantasy team wins and your real team loses, fantasy football softens the blow.

5. When your fantasy team loses and your real team wins, you can just say who gives a shit about fantasy football, also pointing out that its not real anyway (even though you don’t really mean it).

4. When both your teams — fantasy and real — lose its’ extremely easy to rationalize getting absolutely shitcanned.

3. When both your teams win, you get delirious and run around like Big Ern after he took out The Rubber Man.

“Finally, ______ is above the law. I can buy my way out of anything. Where are the girls at? Get the girls over here.”

(and now that I have found it, I’m definitely playing “The Kingpin Drinking Game“)

2. Because you’re only good at three things — drinking, fantasy football (sort of) and shittalking (not really).

1. Women don’t like fantasy football. This means you can get away from your wives, girlfriends, mistresses, friend-with-benefits chicks, stalkers, etc… for 17 Sundays a year and draft day, plus some Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights, and you won’t get accused of cheating. Well, most of us won’t.

Now, if a girl says she likes fantasy football, then she’s either lying or she’s crazy. A female fantasy football fan is kind of like a chick who openly admits that she loves to swallow — something’s just not right upstairs. Stay away from those broads like Nicole Richie avoids fourth meal (and first, second and third, now that I think about it). Desperation city, baby — that type will say or do anything to get themselves a man.

Now I want to hear some of your top reasons why you play fantasy football…

A few days ago I claimed that the UFC 76 Chuck Liddell-Wanderlei Silva UFC match-up was the beginning of the end for the sport of
ballroom jabbing. Yesterday, Silva backed out and is now ducking Liddell… again. While boxing is still in trouble, this is terrible news for theUFC and its fans. Liddell-Silva had the potential to be the biggest MMA fight of all time. Now, it looks like it will never happen. At least we get to hear Chuck talk a little smack on that Sagat-lookin’ fool (I don’t even like Chuck, but he needs to give Silva the Clubber Lang treatment).

“You never say it’s never gonna happen, but until you have something signed, you never say it’s gonna happen in this sport,” said Liddell. “It’s just one of those things. Before he had excuses, now he doesn’t. There’s nothing in his way now.”

Wanderlei’s nickname is “The Axe Murderer,” but he told UFC President Dana White that he didn’t want the fight. “What’s next? Aquaman gon’ drown in the tub?” - UFC.com

The good news is that my boy Anderson “The Spider” Silva, no relation to Saga, will defend his title against Rich Franklin. Well, I guess that’s not very good news for Franklin. The Franklin-Silva rematch will take place at UFC 77 on October, 20 in Cincinnati, Ohio. Just watch this YouTube clip and tell me if Franklin really wants another piece of Spider Silva. - Shoutfan.com