Fantasy Smorgasbord: The top ten reasons we play this stupid effin’ game
After basically calling all of us fantasy football fanatics losers last week for getting so caught up in the game, it’s only right that I come back and examine things from the other side. With that being said, here are my “top ten reasons we play this stupid effin’ game”:
10. Fantasy football goes on all Sunday long, which gets us out of church. (please don’t strike me down with lightening, God)
9. How else could a Texans vs. Browns contest possibly be entertaining for anybody who doesn’t live in one of those two dumps (or even for them)? We don’t watch the game, we watch Andre 1000-plus, K2 and J-Lew.
8. Ocho Cinco’s TD celebrations are twice as enjoyable when he scores for your fantasy squad. (they are about 46 times as enjoyable when he’s on your fantasy team and you have a healthy dosage of sauce in ya)
7. Playing against Rex Grossman is kind of like waking up to a really hot girl you’ve never seen before. You almost have to pinch yourself go back for seconds.
6. When your fantasy team wins and your real team loses, fantasy football softens the blow.
5. When your fantasy team loses and your real team wins, you can just say who gives a shit about fantasy football, also pointing out that its not real anyway (even though you don’t really mean it).
4. When both your teams — fantasy and real — lose its’ extremely easy to rationalize getting absolutely shitcanned.
3. When both your teams win, you get delirious and run around like Big Ern after he took out The Rubber Man.
“Finally, ______ is above the law. I can buy my way out of anything. Where are the girls at? Get the girls over here.”
(and now that I have found it, I’m definitely playing “The Kingpin Drinking Game“)
2. Because you’re only good at three things — drinking, fantasy football (sort of) and shittalking (not really).
1. Women don’t like fantasy football. This means you can get away from your wives, girlfriends, mistresses, friend-with-benefits chicks, stalkers, etc… for 17 Sundays a year and draft day, plus some Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights, and you won’t get accused of cheating. Well, most of us won’t.
Now, if a girl says she likes fantasy football, then she’s either lying or she’s crazy. A female fantasy football fan is kind of like a chick who openly admits that she loves to swallow — something’s just not right upstairs. Stay away from those broads like Nicole Richie avoids fourth meal (and first, second and third, now that I think about it). Desperation city, baby — that type will say or do anything to get themselves a man.
Now I want to hear some of your top reasons why you play fantasy football…
