If it were up to me, we’d start using athletes/sports personalities to redefine fugly relationships and the people who cause them. Here’s a good start…

• The Daunte Culpepper - At a pretty good stage in your life, you fall for someone who you think might be “the one.” Things become serious immediately, and there is an exchange of long-term commitments. Just when everything looks like it couldn’t possibly be going any better, the honeymoon stage ends abruptly, your significant other’s true colors are revealed and things fall apart. In the end, you realize that you just wasted an awful lot of time, and have nothing but pain, suffering and debt to show for it. I guess if it all goes down in Miami you can at least consider it an extended vacation.

• The George Steinbrenner - If you don’t put out, they’ll just find another all-star gold digger who will. These playas often have a whole roster’s worth of broads or dudes. It’s truly amazing what money can buy, isn’t it? Especially when said person has a boatload of it at their disposal and absolutely no conscience whatsoever.

• The Isiah Thomas - The why-did-you-date-that-fucking-loser-with-his/her-train-wreck-past relationship. The amazing thing is that said losers typically have an extensive track record, and are fantastic at duping others into relationships. I blame it all on alcohol, even the James Dolan-Zeke relationship.
• The K.G. - One one hand, you have one of the most amazing people you’ve ever known. Attractive, fun, honest, intelligent, talented, etc. This person always, always gives 100% in the relationship.On the other hand, you have a worthless-ass parasitic leach. This user sucks the life out of their significant other like only watching Spurs basketball in mass quantities typically can. The giver not only puts up with it, but remains steadfastly loyal. Every once in a while the user will act like they finally genuinely have the giver’s best interests in mind, but that’s always just a front. All anyone observing the situation can do is shake their head in disgust while wondering why this fabulous person is wasting the best years of their life.
• The Kwame Brown - Picked up when they were young and brimming with tremendous upside potential, their significant other then waited, and waited, and waited, and waited for them to turn out. They never did. In fact, the relationship was so heartbreaking that they were left permanently damaged as a result.

• The Matt Millen - When a guy or girl has hand to such a degree that they could cheat right in front of their significant other, then turn around and convince them that it wasn’t them (Eddie Murphy famously talked about this phenomenon in Eddie Murphy Raw)? That’s the situation Millen has with Detroit Lions ownership. He’s fucked up so royally in the Motor City (the Lions have a 33-79 overall record since he took over) that it has to be the equivalent of cheating on your lover at least 37 times. Then again, cheaters at least enjoy themselves.

• The Ron Artest/Stephen Jackson - Who in the hell did I invite into my world? Maybe it’s time to get a restraining order? You’ve either seen or experienced one of these Fear-esque situations. There’s just too many crazies out there not to have. These maniacs always leave mass carnage in their wakes, and are the kind of exes or lovers we all wish would just disappear. Those were never butterflies in your stomach — that was always an ulcer. Yeah, domestic violence, pier six brawls and stripper-joint shootouts will do that to you.

• The Yi Jianlian - You spend a glorious night with an attractive stranger you just met. Afterwards, you’re expectations are that your newfound love will blossom into a beautiful relationship. You get a rude awakening your still-beating heart ripped out of your fucking chest when you find out that the other half of that amazing one-night stand wants absolutely nothing to do with you. The moral of the story: be careful who you bed, especially if you fall easy and think people actually will want to move to Milwaukee.

And last but not least…

• The Pacman-Tank-Henry - When the relationship gets so bad that you’re just begging for your completely insane significant other to get arrested, found guilty, incarcerated and anally penetrated/fisted by his/her own sex. If/when successful, you can call this Goodelling someone.

What are some of the definitions you’d add to this list?