Friday Flicks: Hairspray?
First off, I can’t believe that Hairspray is receiving glowing reviews.The musical currently has a 94% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Out of 100 reviews, freakin’ 94 were favorable. That’s unbelievable for any movie, but it’s unthinkable for a musical. Chicago won Best Picture and only had an 87% fresh rating.
That being said, Hairspray looks terrible. I have absolutely no interest in wasting two hours of my life on that movie.
What I do have interest in is making fun of John Travolta. Screw it, while I’m at it I’ll make fun of another Jon — Jon Runyan. Travolta is one of my least favorite actors, and Runyan is one of my least favorite NFL players. My hate and their names are the connection. Well, they’re also both fat and vastly overrated.
Yes, Travolta has some hits in his filmography. Face/Off, Get Shorty, Pulp Fiction, Saturday Night Fever and The Thin Red Line are all great flicks. Still, he has way more flops on his resume than hits. Why in God’s name did he do Battlefield Earth? Look Who’s Talking? Michael? The Punisher? Wild Hogs? Dude just likes hamming it up being real gay and getting paid in the process. Battlefield Earth was so bad that it netted Travolta a Worst Actor Razzie for his role, and the film also received the dubious distinction of being named the Razzie’s Worst Picture of All Time. Now, not too long after Wild Hogs dropped, he’s wearing a dress and a fatsuit? Unless you’re one of The Hogettes, that shit’s just not cool.
I’m not going to be a complete hater — Travolta has some talent. The problem is that he consistently fails to become his characters and cease being himself, something all great actors do routinely. Like the Cruisester, he’s always Johnny Boy, and more often than not that’s a bad thing.
Ah, Big Ol’ Jon Runyan. The fact that Madden loves him so much is one good reason to hate him. I absolutely cannot stand John Madden. I was so relieved to hear he’s not going to be announcing on his video game any longer. I barely even like Brett Favre because Madden has such a huge man crush on him, and disliking Favre is extremely hard for any football fan. The other reason I loathe Runyan is because he’s a dirty fucker. Sports Illustrated ranked Runyan second overall on its NFL’s Dirtiest Players List a while back. I really don’t have to explain my disdain any further, but I’ll also add that he’s annoying as hell and an Filthydelphia Eagle. What’s there not to hate?
Mostly, it was just too much fun superimposing Runyan’s big ol’ head on that fat bitch’s body. In the top one he looks like he’s going to ring the bell at the top of the tower, and in the bottom one he looks like Chris Farley in drag saying, “these are good!”
What to see this weekend:
- Sunshine – Cillian Murphy made a fan of me with his performance in Batman Begins. It’s directed by Danny Boyle of Trainspotting fame as well, which is another plus. Sounds like a good sci-fi flick all in all.
- Hot Fuzz - Find this at the local dollar theater (why do we still call it that?) and prepare to laugh your ass off. A hilarious buddy-cop spoof.
What to avoid like Ookie’s sloppy seconds:
- Hairspray – Do I really even need to elaborate here? Do yourself a favorite and ignore the reviews.
- I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry - It’s official — Adam Sandler is a fucking loser. Man, and you thought Affleck was a role whore during his heyday.
I think Chuck & Larry looks pretty funny.I also liked White Chicks, so that might be why. I guess I have low standards.
July 22nd, 2007 at 6:51 pmDo you go to the movies drunk? That would explain a lot. Just screwing around. I actually like Little Nicky, so…
July 22nd, 2007 at 11:27 pm