Lindsay Lohan is a fucking retard.

Chris Henry is a fucking retard.

(Man, do I feel sorry for the Tennessee Titans RB who’s unfortunate enough to share that name. People probably call him up all the time and ask him if he got arrested.)

The comparison is bulletproof. I’m pounding the rest of my Maker’s and hitting the sack.

Seriously, though, the similarities are uncanny.

Lohan isn’t that hot, yet we hear about her all the time. She was just lucky enough to be cast in some well-received chick flicks (Freaky Friday, Mean Girls) on the come up. Now, she’s getting both fucked up and in trouble like that’s what she’s paid to do, not act.

Henry isn’t that good, yet we hear about him all the time. He was just lucky enough to play alongside Carson Pakmer, Ocho Cinco, Rudi Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Now, he’s getting both fucked up and in trouble like that’s what he’s paid to do, not catch passes.

Both Henry and Lohan even have cute little mugshots.

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Bob Barker’s from my hometown of Springfield, MO, so I’m sad that he’s finally decided to retire from The Price is Right/sexually harassing women. I’m even more upset that Drew Carey is replacing him . He’s from Cleveland, people! He’s sure to eff up the hardest thing to eff up on TV. My choice? Drumroll, please..

If you don’t know who Paul Mooney is, it’s time to get your learn on.

• N-word pioneer
• Race expert

• Co-wrote much of Richard Pryor’s stand-up, and was the head writer for The Richard Pryor Show.
• Wrote for Sanford and Son.
• Wrote for Saturday Night Live
• Head writer for In Living Color during its first year.
• The face and mastermind behind Chapelle’s Show features “Ask A Black Dude”, “Mooney On Movies” and “Negrodamus”.
• Has two DVDs — Analyzing White America and Know Your History: Jesus Is Black and So Was Cleopatra.
• Has two CDs — R.A.C.E. and Master Piece
• Hosted BET’s 25 Most @#%! Moments in Black History

Quotable:

• “Because Wayne Brady makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.”
• “I am no longer going to use the N-word. Instead of saying ‘What’s up my n*gga’ say ‘What’s up my Michael Richards’!”
• (On why President Bush was convinced there were WOMD in Iraq) “Because he has the receipt.”

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• Before you get too into the Jonesin’, go check out my first post over at Epic Carnival. “Honoring Pro Sports Infamy Via Tees” - Epic Carnival
• From the WTF files: LeCharles Bentley has been cleared to play by his physician after nearly losing his leg and his life. What a comeback. - Fox Sports
• Cade McNown didn’t just steal money from franchises who mistakenly took him for a legitimate QB, but he also has an affinity for stealing other people’s playmate girlfriends. He also received the Johnny Drama-style lifetime ban from The Playboy Mansion. Oh yeah, if one monumental bust wasn’t enough, Tim Couch is also involved. Completely insane. - Nyjer Please
• Ookie will never, ever play for the Atlanta Falcons again? AJC.com
• Speaking of the Falcons, Dave the Falconer has answered the call and responded to yesterday’s “Monday Bangover” post. Hey, I like Talib Kweli just as much as all you ATLiens, but that isn’t going to change my mind. Packing the seats to watch a 4-12 Joey Harrington-led team? Yeah, that would probably help. For now, Falcons fans remain on the dubious list of worst NFL fans. - The Falcoholic
• More Falcons — the time might look to Daunte Culpepper or even Mark Brunell to remedy its QB woes. - Gridiron Gab
• The great people over at TMZ have 137 new posts today about Lindsey Lohan’s latest DUI. Honestly, theres’ coverage and then there’s this. - TMZ.com
• Matt Mosley thinks that the Miami Dolphins and Pittsburgh Steelers will be the most improved teams in ‘07. - Hashmarks
• All I’m going to say is that Packers fans earned their spot on our best fans list. I think the most fucked up thing is that they didn’t give him any milk with that bucket and PB&J. - Deuce of Davenport
• Mr. Irrelevant has a new home, along with another writer — Jamie’s brother Chris. - Mr. Irrelevant
• Fellow Epic Carnival member Pyle of List has also moved. - Pyle of List