Lindsay Lohan is a fucking retard.

Chris Henry is a fucking retard.

(Man, do I feel sorry for the Tennessee Titans RB who’s unfortunate enough to share that name. People probably call him up all the time and ask him if he got arrested.)

The comparison is bulletproof. I’m pounding the rest of my Maker’s and hitting the sack.

Seriously, though, the similarities are uncanny.

Lohan isn’t that hot, yet we hear about her all the time. She was just lucky enough to be cast in some well-received chick flicks (Freaky Friday, Mean Girls) on the come up. Now, she’s getting both fucked up and in trouble like that’s what she’s paid to do, not act.

Henry isn’t that good, yet we hear about him all the time. He was just lucky enough to play alongside Carson Pakmer, Ocho Cinco, Rudi Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Now, he’s getting both fucked up and in trouble like that’s what he’s paid to do, not catch passes.

Both Henry and Lohan even have cute little mugshots.

I don’t feel sorry for them either. Both Henry and Lohan have jobs most people would give up anything to have, yet they completely take their situations for granted. At the risk of sounding like I just chugged 32 ounces of Haterade here — that’s complete bullshit.

Henry will forever be linked with The Namesake and stupidity. Lohan has become the TMZ queen, while also becoming synonymous with the term “coke whore.” She’s made both Britney and Paris gossip afterthoughts at this point. That’s fine with me. In fact, I think it’s time to spawn some new derogatory celeb terminology.

From this point on, when a guy gets arrested like doing so is his job, it will be referred to (at least here) as “pulling a Henry.” When a girl is a complete train-wreck, “God, she’s a complete Lohan. What in the hell happened to her?”

Here’s the big question on everybody’s lips after Lohan’s latest DUI: Who does hard time first — LL Cokeface or Hoodlum Henry? My money is on Henry. While Lohan is pretty damn good in her own right, Henry is the Scottie Pippen of lawbreaking. He’s that good, err, bad.