We’ve all met, and fell for, Kwame Brown chicks (or dudes… and I hit on this two weeks ago). You know, those of the looks-like-Jane-dates-like-Tarzan variety. Whether they are annoying, crazy, dumb or scandalous, they all end up being flat-out busts.

There’s two sides of every coin, though. For every overrated Darko dame, there’s an unheralded Priest prize hidden somewhere out there. Here’s some new terminology to add to your vocabularies for both types:

The Busts

• The Darko - You know there’s safer choices out there — in fact, much safer — but her long-term upside intoxicated you. Speaking of intoxication, both you and Joe Dumars probably were drunk when you made this move.

• The Akili Smith - The can’t-miss-prospect that misses — badly. The kind of girl that causes you and your boys to reminisce about what could have been. Often. In the end, you all just guess that she’s running around somewhere up in Canada with a bunch of minor leaguers.

• The Baby Jordan - Damn did she look good. That is until you realized that it was all window dressing and not the real thing. To paraphrase Chris Rock, “you got Skeet Ulrich when you thought you had Johnny Depp.”

• The Ryan Leaf - When you take a hot girl home and realize that she’s totally not what you thought she was. So, if you’ve taken home a tranny, don’t worry — so did the Chargers.

• The Roy Jones Jr. - She wasn’t really all that in the first place. It was the inferior competition that made her seem like a dime piece, when in reality she wasn’t worth much more than a nickel.

• The T.O. - Despite all of her previous problems — and let’s face it, there were lots of ‘em — you were convinced things would be different when she was with you. You got burned. That’s what you get for being a cocky bastard.

• The Michelle Wie - Is she ever going to be of age? I’m just fucking with you.

The Gems

• The Priest - Everyone else slept on this girl, but shouldn’t have. All that she needed was a chance to shine, and boy did she ever when she finally got her shot. Here’s hoping that she’s not just in it for the money, and also that you can afford her hospital bills. Silly gold-diggin’ hypochondriacs.

• The J.O. - Instead of waiting for this young buck to mature and reach her full potential, her ex grew impatient and traded her in for an older, more reliable Dale Davis type. You swooped in and managed to get a long-term commitment before anyone else even recognized how good she really was.

• The Marques Colston - People laughed out loud when you first picked her up. Not too long after they were green with envy, cursing your name. Hey, it’s not too often that a complete unknown becomes arguably the baddest broad in her class overnight. She’d even look good hanging out with the female equivalent of Reggie Bush — California girls.

• The Elton Brand - Her ex had everything he needed in Ol’ Reliable, but that wasn’t enough. The grass was greener where that long, young thing Tyson Chandler was standing. He made the switch, and you couldn’t have ended up with a better chick. She might not be the hottest girl out there, but she still looks good, and is cool and trustworthy as well. A down-ass chick.

• The Tom Brady - Why in the world were you the one lucky enough to have this godsend fall in your lap? Other people ask that question, not you. You just count your blessings and roll with the punches. Wait a minute, when things go this well there are no punches.

• The Cut That Meat - This girl was a no-brainer. Still, you were smart enough to move in early and keep her satisfied (even though it took some time). Now you’re set for a long, long time.

Now, who would you like to see added to the list? Register (takes two seconds), leave a comment and let me know. I will feature your suggestion in a future installment if I like it.