I’m headed to River Falls, Wisconsin to catch my Kansas City Chiefs in some training camp action, and then headed over to The Second City to see Pearl Jam play at Lollapalooza! Until I get back (Tuesday), chew on this…

(Last week, I told you I’d drop a review for The Simpsons and never did. Sometimes that’s what happens when you’ve killed as many brain cells as I have, not to mention suffer from insomnia. Anyway, here’s the CliffsNotes version: The movie started strong, Homer brought it as usual, the story was a little all over the place and even though it ended weak its definitely worth the price of admission. There. I feel better about myself. On we go…)

I’ll tell you what — I’ve been having an effin’ blast with these imaginary player lists lately (like here, here and here). Since everybody who enjoys quality cinema is going to skip Hot Rod and see The Bourne Ultimatum anyway (02:46:29 - 93% fresh over at Rotten Tomatoes), I’ll spare you the review. Instead you’ll get a list of Jason Bourne/Matt Damon replacements from the sports world. Enjoy…

• The Vick Ultimatum

Well, Michael Vick’s athletic and elusive, definitely good at running away from the opposition. Covert? Um, not so much. Plus, he’s so bad on camera that Nike never let him really speak in his commercials. Vick might be able to pull off Affleck or a washed-up Snipes, but not Damon in his prime.

• The Bonds Ultimatum
  

While Barry Bonds is certainly covert, I still don’t think he could go undetected. I mean, the man has a 37-pound head. Plus, he’s not nearly as fleet of foot as he once was. While Bonds is quite shrewd and wouldn’t take any shit, I’m pretty sure Pamela Landy (yes!) and the crew could take him out.

• The Quinn Ultimatum
  

As much as Brady Quinn likes to ham it up in pictures (I can’t even chose from the 457,032 possible links here), he’d be hunted down and whacked within 48 hours. It would be anything but a good time for Bret Michaels’ new best friend.

• The Garnett Ultimatum
  

I’m getting closer. Kevin Garnett has all the physical attributes. He’s quiet and says all the right things when he does speak up. The one problem with Garnett is that he probably wouldn’t know when to run from a bad situation. Who knows, after this week’s trade maybe he does know when to bail. Garnett’s height makes him a pretty easy target, too. Damn, I really thought I was on to something here.

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I’m just wondering if the T-shirts people are making to condemn Michael “Ookie” Vick (let’s get honest — they are really doing this to make money) are going too far. No, didn’t think so. Fuck Vick, I’m putting in my order right now. I especially don’t feel bad considering that the NFL is keeping fans from buying any NFL jersey that has anything to do with Vick. If we want to spend our hard-earned money on making fun of his dumbass, then we should be able to order our No. 7 “Ookie” jerseys. Here’s the shirt, compliments of VickLetTheDogsOut.com…