(Last week, I told you I’d drop a review for The Simpsons and never did. Sometimes that’s what happens when you’ve killed as many brain cells as I have, not to mention suffer from insomnia. Anyway, here’s the CliffsNotes version: The movie started strong, Homer brought it as usual, the story was a little all over the place and even though it ended weak its definitely worth the price of admission. There. I feel better about myself. On we go…)

I’ll tell you what — I’ve been having an effin’ blast with these imaginary player lists lately (like here, here and here). Since everybody who enjoys quality cinema is going to skip Hot Rod and see The Bourne Ultimatum anyway (02:46:29 - 93% fresh over at Rotten Tomatoes), I’ll spare you the review. Instead you’ll get a list of Jason Bourne/Matt Damon replacements from the sports world. Enjoy…

• The Vick Ultimatum

Well, Michael Vick’s athletic and elusive, definitely good at running away from the opposition. Covert? Um, not so much. Plus, he’s so bad on camera that Nike never let him really speak in his commercials. Vick might be able to pull off Affleck or a washed-up Snipes, but not Damon in his prime.

• The Bonds Ultimatum
  

While Barry Bonds is certainly covert, I still don’t think he could go undetected. I mean, the man has a 37-pound head. Plus, he’s not nearly as fleet of foot as he once was. While Bonds is quite shrewd and wouldn’t take any shit, I’m pretty sure Pamela Landy (yes!) and the crew could take him out.

• The Quinn Ultimatum
  

As much as Brady Quinn likes to ham it up in pictures (I can’t even chose from the 457,032 possible links here), he’d be hunted down and whacked within 48 hours. It would be anything but a good time for Bret Michaels’ new best friend.

• The Garnett Ultimatum
  

I’m getting closer. Kevin Garnett has all the physical attributes. He’s quiet and says all the right things when he does speak up. The one problem with Garnett is that he probably wouldn’t know when to run from a bad situation. Who knows, after this week’s trade maybe he does know when to bail. Garnett’s height makes him a pretty easy target, too. Damn, I really thought I was on to something here.

• The Brady Ultimatum
  

Ah ha, I might finally be on to something. Tom Brady is smart, cool under pressure and more athletic than he looks. Plus, he has those movie star good looks. On the other hand, throw a Fembot disguised as a supermodel at him and he’s cooked. Still, Brady might just be able to pull it off. We can do better.

• The Rodriguez Ultimatum

This might be it. Alex Rodriguez is athletic, cool, handsome, smooth… he would probably even bring in more of the coveted urban market. Two problems with A-Rod: A.) Someone might be able to trick him with money (or strange); and B.) He’s known to choke in the clutch. Shit, I’m getting nowhere.

• The James Ultimatum

Another good selection, as LeBron James would definitely be able to pull in every demographic. Fast, strong, charming, accustomed to pressure — he’d be a natural. But what about his streaky shooting and lazy defense? Those weaknesses could end up getting King James dethroned.

• The Young Ultimatum
  

Vince Young seems like a great choice at first. He’s lightening fast, able to takeover on his own and not afraid of a good ol’ fashioned fistfight. What about Young’s Wunderlic test, though? Bourne has brains, too, remember. Another miss.

• The Ichiro Ultimatum

While Ichiro Suzuki seems like a great choice — he has great wheels, mad durability, incredible hitting accuracy, a good look and the necessary smarts — I’m just not sure that the American movie-going public would believe that a Japanese man was one of the top assassins for the U.S. government. Almost.

• The Wade Ultimatum
  

I think this has to be the choice. Dwyane Wade’s accurate, athletic, attractive, determined, intelligent, tough… I don’t see any holes with Flash. Well, the Big Fella won’t be around to watch his back, but he was aight without the Diesel at Marquette. I’m rollin’ with D-Wade — buy your tickets now.

And just for the helluva it…

• The Pacman Ultimatum

While Pacman Jones certainly has the balls and speed (no, that wasn’t a drug pun), I don’t think assassins can have entourages. Plus, if the boys and blue can stalk him down, what would the boys in suits be able to do? This would be an electric 27-minute flick, though. Maybe we can do this one straight to DVD. Hey, I’m looking for a directing gig. I’m going to call my man The Namesake up. If he said yes to TNA Wrestling, tehn he’ll probably take damn near any gig at this point.