Aug 21 2007
The P.J. Screenplay: Marcus and Michael Vick Are “Dumb and Dumber”
(The P.J. Screenplay is a new feature which will appear on most Tuesdays. Enjoy…)
FADE IN:
SUBTITLED: “Somewhere in Virginia - 2010″
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
MARCUS and MICHAEL VICK are sitting inside their modest crib — money now is a thang and ain’t what it used to be. There’s a crappy homemade sign on the wall: “WELCOME HOME MIKE”
Marcus looks about 40 pounds heavier than the last time we saw him play, which was back in 2006 in a Miami Dolphins uni. He has a YOUNG GIRL sitting on his lap and he’s wearing an electronic ankle bracelet. The girl is drinking Boone’s, a surefire sign she’s still in high school. He smokes a blunt, gives the girl a hit and then passes it to…
Michael, who takes a hit. He still appears to be in pretty decent shape, but he’s scruffier and bling free now. He is also wearing an electronic monitoring device on his ankle. He passes the blunt back to his little brother. They continue to pass back and forth throughout…
MARCUS
What the fuck we gonna do now, man? We ain’t been
this broke… since you started gettin’ those booster
checks your sophomore year of high school.
MICHAEL
We’ll be aight. I just got out. Gimme some time.
MARCUS
Didn’t you have all the time in the world to think
about this shit inside?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
MARCUS
So what? CFL?
MICHAEL
No, dumbass. Neither of us can leave the country.
MARCUS
Canada’s a different country?
MICHAEL
Yes, and we can’t even leave the county. Besides,
they said they learned their lesson back when
they brought in Ricky Williams that second time.
MARCUS
What about that Mark Cuban league?
MICHAEL
The UFL? Nope. They told me that they’d be interested,
but they already have Chris Henry, Pacman Jones and
The 7th Floor Crew.
MARCUS
Arena League? I’d be good at that shit.
MICHAEL
Look at you. You’re slower than Mike Williams now.
MARCUS
Naw, I’d be better than Chad Johnson, Jerry Rice
and Terrell Owens.
MICHAEL
Doesn’t matter — Goodell got Elway to convince the
AFL to ban us, too.
MARCUS
Me?
MICHAEL
Yep.
MARCUS
Man, this is all your fault.
MICHAEL
My fault?
MARCUS
You’re the one who ruined our chances of
playing in the NFL, aren’t –
MICHAEL
My chances — yes. Your chances — no.
I think the cleat stomp, 2,700 traffic violations
and 12 charges of statutory rape did that.
MARCUS
Them girls was lyin’!
MICHAEL
C’mon, man, that girl on your lap is
like only 15.
MARCUS
She turned 18 yesterday… And at least I been
gettin’ girls!
MICHAEL
You gonna keep talking shit, or you still want me
to help your broke ass?
MARCUS
I’m just playin’, baby. We’re in this together.
What about Puerto Rico? Nice weather, hot mamis,
different country, cock fightin’ — you’d be good at that…
What’s “Bad Newz Cages” in Spanish?
MICHAEL
Puerto Rico’s a U.S. territory, idiot.
MARCUS
When’d you get so smart.
MICHAEL
I read alot in the joint.
MARCUS
Books?
MICHAEL
Yes, Marcus.
MARCUS
So, you’re smart and shit now. Like
James Bond, but a better scrambler… We can go
to another country. Run away and hide for good.
MICHAEL
Look at you, Cedric The Entertainer. You couldn’t
out run Grady Jackson right now.
MARCUS
Who?
MICHAEL
Gilbert Brown. Hey, got an idea –
Vince McMahon.
MARCUS
The Star Search guy? Thought he died.
MICHAEL
Not, Ed, you retard. The WWE dude.
MARCUS
Wrestling?
MICHAEL
Yep, they’ll take anybody. Even convicted
animal torturers with dumbshit brothers and VD.
MARCUS
I’m in… I’m gonna go get this
chick to bang me and eight of my boys.
MICHAEL
Cool… Hey, you got any of that Valtrex left?
MARCUS
Shhhh!
MICHAEL
Uh, I meant mine. I’m dyin’. Stopped using it
while I was inacerated.
MARCUS
Where’s Carson? And why wouldn’t you –
MICHAEL
In jail, moron. And herpes is like rape repellent
in the can.
MARCUS
Let me go look. C’mon, baby.
Marcus and the girl get up and walk into the bedroom.
Michael pulls out his cell phone and makes a call.
MAN
(Off Screen)
Hello?
MICHAEL
Vince McMahon? Hello… hello…
An empty dial tone can be heard.
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