Aug
23
2007
Pete Kendall and his painkillers are headed to D.C., where he should perform well at left guard as long as he’s more numb than Matthew Perry circa 2000. - Riggo’s Rag
- Bolts GM A.J. Smith is a fucking genius for passing on both Ookie and the less-retarded, less-talented Manning brother. - Epic Carnival
- Iggles head coach Andy Reid’s son, Britt Reid, is acting more like Andy Dick’s son — again. - The 700 Level
- Tom Brady’s baby finally decided to end his holdout. Hey, can’t blame a brother for wanting to stay up in Bridget Moynahan for as long as possible, can you? - Kissing Suzy Kolber
- Has Lane Kiffin put JaMarcus Russell on the Mike Williams plan? Why isn’t this guy signed? Will he ever be? - The Fanhouse
- Is Jerome Bettis the next Johnny Depp? I guess the guy can act a little, but I’m thinking he’s more of a fatter, jollier L.L.Cool J without the gay lip-licking habit. - More Credible
- Does Donovan McNabb really care about the departed Jeremiah Trotter? Matt Mosley certainly doesn’t think No. 5 does. - Hashmarks
- Simeon Rice is still unemployed. Somebody sign this stud already, he’s still got gas in the tank. - Buc ‘Em
Aug
23
2007
Since my infamous fantasy football league, The Dirty Dozen, has its live draft this upcoming Tuesday, and I’ll be live blogging the event, I figured I should properly introduce you to the league. Since I’m a film guy and film direction is quite similar to fantasy football (cast the right talent, then pull out performances at key moments), I’m going to describe each player by comparing them to a famous film director. I’m also using first names of the other Dirty Dozeners only, keeping their anonymity intact. That way none of these peg boys will sue me.
- Orson Welles (Me/The Hollywood A-Trains) - Orson and I are a lot alike. Both of us came out of the gates like gangbusters — he made Citizen Kane, I won the first Dirty Dozen ’ship. There’s also the Hollywood connection, the boozing, our love for the ladies and our fanaticism (his old story boards ain’t got shit on my draft big boards). More than anything — and, God, it pains me to say this — I’m scared we both blew our wads at the very beginning. He did have Touch of Evil, but that was 17 years after Kane. Do I really have to wait that long? And will someone take over my team halfway through a brilliant season? Will I die at 85 a miserable old fuck who begged for money to play fantasy football with his entire life? No, no and no — well, hopefully.
- Martin Scorsese (Zach/The Green Blazers) - Both of these guys had always been considered two of the best around. The one problem was that they could never win the big one. That all changed last year when Scorsese won Best Picture for The Departed, and Zach made my Trains the dearly departed on the way to winning it all, forcing me to lock myself in a room Aviator style for God only knows how long. Effin’ schmendrick.
- The Farrelly Brothers (Brian/K.C. Team America and Justin/Denver Nugtastics) - Nobody takes this duo too seriously, yet we love having them around. These two definitely aren’t Dumb and Dumber, but neither will be the Kingpin any time soon. Sorry, fellas.
- Quentin Tarantino (Brad/Beach City Swingers) - Both of these dudes dress alike, have an affinity for bar fights and partying, and appraoch their respective games the same way. Neither one really cares if they win the ultimate prize as long as they put out a badass product, do things their way and break all the rules. A couple of Inglorious Bastards (an absolute obsession of mine) indeed.
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