Since my infamous fantasy football league, The Dirty Dozen, has its live draft this upcoming Tuesday, and I’ll be live blogging the event, I figured I should properly introduce you to the league. Since I’m a film guy and film direction is quite similar to fantasy football (cast the right talent, then pull out performances at key moments), I’m going to describe each player by comparing them to a famous film director. I’m also using first names of the other Dirty Dozeners only, keeping their anonymity intact. That way none of these peg boys will sue me.

• Orson Welles (Me/The Hollywood A-Trains) - Orson and I are a lot alike. Both of us came out of the gates like gangbusters — he made Citizen Kane, I won the first Dirty Dozen ’ship. There’s also the Hollywood connection, the boozing, our love for the ladies and our fanaticism (his old story boards ain’t got shit on my draft big boards). More than anything — and, God, it pains me to say this — I’m scared we both blew our wads at the very beginning. He did have Touch of Evil, but that was 17 years after Kane. Do I really have to wait that long? And will someone take over my team halfway through a brilliant season? Will I die at 85 a miserable old fuck who begged for money to play fantasy football with his entire life? No, no and no — well, hopefully.

• Martin Scorsese (Zach/The Green Blazers) - Both of these guys had always been considered two of the best around. The one problem was that they could never win the big one. That all changed last year when Scorsese won Best Picture for The Departed, and Zach made my Trains the dearly departed on the way to winning it all, forcing me to lock myself in a room Aviator style for God only knows how long. Effin’ schmendrick.

• The Farrelly Brothers (Brian/K.C. Team America and Justin/Denver Nugtastics) - Nobody takes this duo too seriously, yet we love having them around. These two definitely aren’t Dumb and Dumber, but neither will be the Kingpin any time soon. Sorry, fellas.

• Quentin Tarantino (Brad/Beach City Swingers) - Both of these dudes dress alike, have an affinity for bar fights and partying, and appraoch their respective games the same way. Neither one really cares if they win the ultimate prize as long as they put out a badass product, do things their way and break all the rules. A couple of Inglorious Bastards (an absolute obsession of mine) indeed.

• Michael Bay (Robert/C-Town Brewcrew) - Both of these guys could fuck up a wet dream. Give Bay $100 million dollars and any star out there and he’ll pump out a cheesy, barely watchable popcorn flick. Give the Brewcrew L.J. or L.T. and they’ll pump out a three-win season. Pathetic.

• David Lynch (Nathan/Lawrence Fancy Lads) - He’s both pretty good and a cool cat. Too bad he blends in with the woodwork and is very unlikely to ever go all the way. His team might just be on a Lost Highway to nowhere.

• Francis Ford Coppola (Dad/The Nature Boys) - Both my Dad, Coppola and his team’s namesake, Ric Flair, were great at one point, but now are completely washed up. Sometimes it even looks like my Dad will return to his pre-Dirty Dozen fantasy football glory days, but the old man always chokes towards the end of the season. By the way, can anybody else believe that FFC directed Captain Fucking EO?!?! You know, that infamous Epcot short starring Jacko about a space crew which takes on a wicked queen. And, no, M.J. didn’t play the wicked queen.

• Ron Howard (Chad/Oink Oink Water Patrol) - I’ve known this guy since I was a kid, similar to how America has known Opie. The other similarity here is that both are hacks that somehow won it all. There really should be an asterisk involved with both triumphs.

• Judd Apatow (Mikey/31st Street Crips) - Both of these fellas are on Earth simply to make the rest of us laugh are arses off. Thank God. Great comedy, and one less contender to worry about. Besides, they even share the same haircut — the short-long!

• Wes Anderson (Pat/Kansas Teabags) - Two of my favorites, both are cool ass dudes who resemble the shit out of each other. Sadly, neither one of these guy’s praise-worthy efforts will likely ever be recognized with gold — Oscars nor trophies.

• Alfred Hitchcock (Wyeth/Larryville Pit Bulls) - Big-boned thinkers who always end up shocking you during what ends up being a great effort. Hitch won Best Picture for Rebecca early in his career, while Wy-O won our league’s second championship.

Consider yourselves properly met. Show up at Tuesday, Aug. 28 at 9:00 PM EST for my live fantasy draft blog, and prepare to: A.) Laugh your peckers off; and B.) Enjoy the live blogging at the expense of my draft.

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