If Everday People Were Pro Athletes: Fantasy Football is Like Dating
(We were experiencing some server issues yesterday that we had to deal with due to a recent spike in network-wide traffic. We have figured everything out and The Monday Bangover will definitely be back next week.)
My fantasy football draft is merely hours away (don’t forget — I’ll be live blogging the event at 8 PM C/9 PM E), and even though I’ve done a ton of research I’m starting to panic.
I pick seventh this year, after riding Steven Jackson (who I picked fifth) into the playoffs last year despite Chad Johnson and Eli Manning disappearing for much of the season. I was fortunate smart enough to pick a sure thing last year, a rarity for owners who pick out of the top three or four picks. This year finding that sure thing will be a whole lot tougher.
Actually, I’m somewhat recently single, and picking outside of the top three this year in fantasy is quite a bit like getting out and dating again. There are a lot of good-looking options out there, but no guarantees.
It didn’t work out last time (either with Jackson or my ex), but I felt pretty secure about the relationship for most of its duration, and had at least a good run. That’s as much as you can ask for unless a LaDainian Tomlinson type falls in your lap.
Now, I’m all over the place.
There’s Laurence Maroney, the young hotty I liked at first. As the draft quickly approaches, I’m starting to wonder if he’s mature enough to handle the load. Get your mind out of the gutter — I’m taking about dependability here, people.
There’s Willie Parker, the sleek little thing who caught my attention out of nowhere with his fast moves this past weekend. I can’t get him out of my head, and maybe I shouldn’t. He’s not the most proven option, but he did prove an awful lot last year despite Pittsburgh’s quarterback woes.
There’ Joseph Addai, too. He’s the guy everyone is telling I should like. But I’m just not feelin’ him.
Then there’s Shaun Alexander. Part of me tells me that this proven vet won’t let me down. He might not be a sexy pick, but if that foot holds up he’ll be the equivalent of a down-ass chick. Those are hard to find. Real hard. But part of me is concerned with his baggage.
I guess there’s even Rudi Johnson and Peyton Manning. Johnson is pretty dependable, but he’s not exactly the kind of guy who goes out and wins you ’ships. He’d be more of a rebound, just something to get me through the year. As for Manning, I’ve never drafted a quarterback in the first round. That would be like dating a bisexual girl for the first time or something — too drastic of a move for right now.
Honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Actually, yes, I do. I’m going to polish off some beers and let the chips fall where they may. It’s always worked before. That’s what I’ve always done in the past, and I’m still standing.
Make sure to check in tonight from about 8 PM C/9 PM E – 10 PM C/11 PM E to catch my live blog of The Dirty Dozen draft. It’s a great league, and the draft should give everyone an in-depth look at how their draft might end up shaking out.
