The Dirty Dozen Fantasy Football Draft Live Blog

19:23:07 – I’m checking in a little bit earlier, just to make sure I have both the ESPN draft application and WordPress running smoothly beforehand. Anyway, welcome. This live blog of my fantasy football draft should be exciting, at least for me. I can’t remember a time when I was looking at three or four different players (Alexander, Addai, Maroney and Parker) in the first round. Usually I know who I am picking, or pick one of two guys. Sit tight, we’ll be underway shortly.

19:52:23 – Well, it’s already a shit talking free-for-all. My dad and I are talking some major smack — hell, everybody is. Mikey, the clown of the league, can’t even get into the draft, and might delay this thing. Good! More blogging and research time for me.

19:55:24 – My best friend Brad just asked my boy Chad if his two-year-old daughter can fuck yet. Not joking. The “Dirty” in The Dirty Dozen is definitely warranted here, folks.

19:56:52 – Mikey typically has monkeys draft for him. We’re thinking that the chimps no showed this year, and that’s why he can’t get logged in.

20:05:49 – My old man just responded to a Metamucil joke with an Acyclovir one. What in the hell is going on? The draft is still paused, and the chimps are still AWOL. Hang tight.

20:19:08 – Here we go!!

20:20:17 – L.T., Action Jackson go 1-2.

20:21:26 – Mikey, who picks third, is fucking things up again. Man, alive… he’s no Stephen Hawking, I’ll tell you that. Paused again… Stay tuned…

20:23:42 – Mikey figured it out, picked L.J…

20:24:52 – “With the eighth pick I select Chad’s daughter.” – Brad… Frank Gore goes fourth after I heard Henry might… that was B.S to throw everybody off, even though he’s from Denver… Alexander, then Manning… I trusted my gut and went Laurence Maroney seventh over Addai and Parker… we’ll see if that works out…

20:28:17 – Reggie Bush goes eighth… followed by Addai, Parker and Westbrook.

20:29:45 – My brother goes real safe at 11-12 with Willis and Rudi… not bad, but not sexy… defending champ, though…

20:34:51 – ESPN’s draft froze. What a piece of shit the WWL is… we are done after this year… word to the wise — look elsewhere for your fantasy football needs!

20:40:23 – This sucks. Between Mikey and ESPN the draft has been paused for most of 40 minutes, giving the under-prepared and the chokers valuable time to catch up. Still paused…

20:43:51 – *MY THOUGHTS INTERLUDE* “Maroney… Maroney… Belichick… TD vultures… Steven Jackson lite… shoulder injury… shoulder injury… no more Corey Dillon… Heath Evans… Joseph Addai… what have I done!?!?”

20:50:36 – Back… Travis “Shawn Kemp Reincarnated” Henry and Steve Smith went 13 and 14 (yuck!)… then Brown and MJD before I went Cedric Benson 18th, could be a steal considering Da Bears schedule… it was either him or MJD, so I’m cool…

20:54:56 – Portis, Brees, Ocho Cinco and Brandon Jacobs follow Benson. Brees is the best pick there, to me…

20:57:11 – Then Thomas Jones gets added to Steven Jackson — nice… probably the worst owner in the league, too… well, second worst… Robert sucks bad… Edge… better beware of Marcell Shipp stealing the goalline carries in AZ, son… Tom Brady… wow… before Palmer? Reggie Wayne… OK…

21:00:53 – Palmer, Barber (ugh), T.O., Marvin and then me with Donovan McNabb (31), the guy who I coveted. Could end up being No. 1 statistically with that weak passing D schedule… Caddy (???) then Torry “Bad Wheel” Holt… some mistakes are definitely being made, and not by me… Gates and McAllister… leaving Bulger for my bro… and Peterson, aka Purple Jesus… then Lee Evans… Fitz… Housh… Roy… and then I stole my super sleeper Ahman Green late in the fourth (42)… MARK MY WORDS: Green will role in ’07, baby!

21:13:24 – Norwood, DeAngelo, Lynch… choking… people are choking…. three reaches in a row… Colsten… that’s not a reach… good pick… round five: Moss, Walker, Crumpler… My guy A.J. is still there… Jam… hmmm… OK, I guess… Gonzalez… complete Kansas City homer pick, something Mikey always does and no fantasy owner should ever do… Driver, yes! Two more before me… Betts and Boldin! I got Andre Johnson, last year’s NFL leader in total receptions, at 55. My game plan has been perfectly executed thus far…

21:22:25 – Fred Taylor, Romo, Hasselbeck, D-Jack… Chester and Santana to my bro, not bad… Vince Young… too early for my taste… Ward, Julius Jones (not bad) and Burress (ouch!) go before I take Kellen Winslow with the 66th overall pick…

21:30:00 – Then Vernon, Heap, Kitna, Reggie Brown… no problems there… Braylon… then Terry Glenn… I hate the middle WRs… waiting for the late sleepers…

21:35:22 – Mark Clayton… fugly pick right there… yikes… keep on choking boys… Philip Rivers… too pedestrian for my liking, but safe… Galloway, Leinart, BEARS — WTF? LMFAO! I hate when people pick defenses early… such a crapshoot… I just picked DeShaun Foster 79th… hey, maybe I got a starting RB when other people are taking guys like Chris Chambers… shit talking has dropped off… everybody is scrambling trying to fill out their rosters…

21:45:39 – My old man just picked Kevin Jones! Jesus! Zach picked Calvin Johnson… Wyeth took Mike Bell and Stallworth nearly back to back… major chokage there… Lavernanues Coles stolen right from under me, so I go with Chris Cooley at 90 as insurance for Winslow. The guy scores TDs.

21:53:18 – Morency, Vinatieri, Berrian and Jordan follow Cooley… it doesn’t get any worse than that folks. They are setting me up nicely to either get a back-up QB or another WR when it snakes back to me.

21:58:12 – Just picked up D.J. Hackett in the ninth (103), a perfectly suitable No. 2 WR. Other people went with Baltimore’s D, Eli Manning, Brett Favre, Leon Washington, Brandon Jackson, Kevin Curtis… yeah, it’s that point of the draft… the time where some people make the playoffs, and others miss the postseason…

22:07:25 – I just nabbed Vincent Jackson at 114 after Cotchery, Bruce and Michael “Burner” Turner… I can’t believe Jackson lasted this long. I hate him in the seventh given Norv Turner’s WR history, but I love him in round ten…

22:11:48 – Wy-O just told me that my bro and I are giving each other Rusty Trombones over the phone because we’ve had solid drafts… I told him, “no, Cincinnati Bowties, byotch.” Broncos, Moosh, Keading, Droughns… my God, it’s a B horror flick inside our draft template right now… JOEY HARRINGTON! Yes! Who’s sipping that ATL Kool-Aid? It was Brian, a perennial cellar dweller. Wonder why?

22:16:12 – I picked Jake Delhomme with the 127th pick after waiting insanely long to grab a back-up signal caller. Why? Because he has one of the best WRs in the game to throw to, that’s why. I have another sleeper up my sleeve, too, but I still hope No. 5′s knees hold up. Waiting so long could cost me a ‘ship if D-McNabb goes down…

22:22:26 – I just went with J.P. Losman at 138 — the sleeper I was talking about. Really worried about McNabb’s health, so I need two decent QBs to play the match-ups with if he goes down. It was an easy choice after Joe Horn got picked right before me. Daniel Graham and Trent Green were the worst picks from this round. Scaife, Eric Johnson and Owen Daniels all could be sleepers, and all just went. Not many TEs left, but I already have two (Winslow and Cooley). Let’s see if I can grab another sleeper wideout with my next pick here…

22:25:41 – Ben Troupe? Do your homework, son. I’m in another draft with that guy in a week, and I’m really hoping he stinks it up again this bad… Patriots… Rod Smith… the other A-Train (that’s my moniker, bitch)… just went… those picks smell like badussy to me, because three people just fucked themselves…

22:28:42 – Another pause… damn, we are still pausing for this pegboy Mikey. Nevermind, both my dad and he are now on autopick. I see who wears the pants in those families. I hate that. A draft isn’t over until Mr. Irrelevant goes off the board… no matter what wifey says… Chargers D? Yikes… these guys really overrate defenses if you ask me. But most fantasy owners do…

22:32:42 – I just told my bro that people who worry about kickers during the drafts are faggots (not gay, just little girls)… and meant it… and stole Wes Welker in the 13th, with the 151st pick… some people think he could lead the Pats in catches, so… I’m patting myself on the back, speaking of pats… don’t mind if I do…

22:36:46 – Brian went to autopick, too… P.W. bastard… last two picks after I just took a gamble on Tony Hunt at 162… hey, my team is stocked and I think he could be a monster if Westbrook goes down… hell, he might be this year’s Brandon Jacobs regardless… now I have to pick a kicker and a defense… I hate it…

22:46:56 – I just took Josh Brown and the Vikings’ D to wrap up my draft… That’s it, folks…