• Pete Kendall and his painkillers are headed to D.C., where he should perform well at left guard as long as he’s more numb than Matthew Perry circa 2000. - Riggo’s Rag

Since my infamous fantasy football league, The Dirty Dozen, has its live draft this upcoming Tuesday, and I’ll be live blogging the event, I figured I should properly introduce you to the league. Since I’m a film guy and film direction is quite similar to fantasy football (cast the right talent, then pull out performances at key moments), I’m going to describe each player by comparing them to a famous film director. I’m also using first names of the other Dirty Dozeners only, keeping their anonymity intact. That way none of these peg boys will sue me.

• Orson Welles (Me/The Hollywood A-Trains) - Orson and I are a lot alike. Both of us came out of the gates like gangbusters — he made Citizen Kane, I won the first Dirty Dozen ’ship. There’s also the Hollywood connection, the boozing, our love for the ladies and our fanaticism (his old story boards ain’t got shit on my draft big boards). More than anything — and, God, it pains me to say this — I’m scared we both blew our wads at the very beginning. He did have Touch of Evil, but that was 17 years after Kane. Do I really have to wait that long? And will someone take over my team halfway through a brilliant season? Will I die at 85 a miserable old fuck who begged for money to play fantasy football with his entire life? No, no and no — well, hopefully.

• Martin Scorsese (Zach/The Green Blazers) - Both of these guys had always been considered two of the best around. The one problem was that they could never win the big one. That all changed last year when Scorsese won Best Picture for The Departed, and Zach made my Trains the dearly departed on the way to winning it all, forcing me to lock myself in a room Aviator style for God only knows how long. Effin’ schmendrick.

• The Farrelly Brothers (Brian/K.C. Team America and Justin/Denver Nugtastics) - Nobody takes this duo too seriously, yet we love having them around. These two definitely aren’t Dumb and Dumber, but neither will be the Kingpin any time soon. Sorry, fellas.

• Quentin Tarantino (Brad/Beach City Swingers) - Both of these dudes dress alike, have an affinity for bar fights and partying, and appraoch their respective games the same way. Neither one really cares if they win the ultimate prize as long as they put out a badass product, do things their way and break all the rules. A couple of Inglorious Bastards (an absolute obsession of mine) indeed.

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• Will poor-tipping players and “The Gimp” cause the Jacksonville Jaguars to go all Hollywood on us? - Big Cat Country

• ESPN did about as well on its televised fantasy football mock draft as Vince Young did on the Wunderlic. - Winning the Turnover Battle

• The Buffalo Bills are bringing in ex-Panthers DE Al Wallace. - The BuffaLowdown

• Using Three Men and a Little Lady of all movies to look at who Miami Dolphins selected instead of Ted Ginn. - Phin Phanatic

• Laurence Maroney has finally been cleared for contact and is ready to start bringin’ the construda. - The Patriot Act

• Jerome Bettis takes some shots at ex-BFF Bill Cowher in his new book. - NFL Gridiron Gab

• Denver Broncos RB Travis Henry pulls an Andre Rison over some bling, Everyday Joe gets blamed. - Fan IQ

• Did Detroit Lions DT Shaun Rodgers hold a stripper at gunpoint and grope her? - The Fanhouse

• Is “the force” really with Amobi-Wan Okoye and the suddenly David Carr-less Houston Texans? - Kissing Suzy Kolber

• Some nurse is suing Pacman Jones over the Minxxx incident. The good news — that N.Y. strip club really did have a buffet. - 100% Injury Rate

• Party Like Pacman

Congrats to the students and alumni of West Virgina University — the top party school in the nation! But, really, what else would you expect from the alma mater of Bob Huggins, Chris Henry and Pacman Jones? The survey was conducted by The Princeton Review, an educational services company. WVU ranked third last year.

Brigham Young University was named the “Stone Cold Sober” category winner for the tenth consecutive year. When you live in a state where polygamy is still the drill, partying isn’t really necessary. That’s the only sense I can make out of it.

Anyway, this kind of made me wonder which school has the craziest group of sports alumni?

I’m gonna have to roll with the University of Miami. Any school that produced The 7th Floor Crew, Greg Louganis, Michael Irvin, Ray Lewis and tons of other athletes gone wild is going to be hard to beat.

Some of my other favorites:

Of course West Virginia. The Henry-Huggins-Jones trio is classic.

The University of Southern Cal is another juggernaut — Frank Gifford, Mark McGwire, Matt Leinart, O.J. Simpson and Todd Marijuanavich.

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• “Larry Johnson Signs, $19 Million in Guaranteed Money” - Arrowhead Addict

• “Larry Johnson’s signing doesn’t change risk” - Pancake Blocks

• “Eagles release Jeremiah Trotter” - Bleeding Green Nation

• “Wallace re-ups with the Seahawks” - Seahawks.net

• “The Kansas City Chiefs QB Battle is Getting Easier to Decide” Arrowhead Pride

• “Vick - Brought Down By Arrogance” - Michael Wilbon/Washington Post (via 100% Injury Rate)

• “Vick Roundup” - The Falcoholic

• “Who Will Replace Vick in Madden?” - Simon On Sports

• “How Will EA Sports Respond To Vick?” - Epic Carnival

• “Ferguson Now A Viking” - The Viking Age

• “Eli Manning Responds to Barber’s Comments” - Giants 101

• “Recap 2007 Pre-Season: Bears 27- Colts 24″ - Stampede Blue

• “Chicago Bears get bittersweet win over Indianapolis Colts” - Windy City Gridiron

(The P.J. Screenplay is a new feature which will appear on most Tuesdays. Enjoy…)

FADE IN:

SUBTITLED: “Somewhere in Virginia - 2010″

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

MARCUS and MICHAEL VICK are sitting inside their modest crib — money now is a thang and ain’t what it used to be. There’s a crappy homemade sign on the wall: “WELCOME HOME MIKE”

Marcus looks about 40 pounds heavier than the last time we saw him play, which was back in 2006 in a Miami Dolphins uni. He has a YOUNG GIRL sitting on his lap and he’s wearing an electronic ankle bracelet. The girl is drinking Boone’s, a surefire sign she’s still in high school. He smokes a blunt, gives the girl a hit and then passes it to…

Michael, who takes a hit. He still appears to be in pretty decent shape, but he’s scruffier and bling free now. He is also wearing an electronic monitoring device on his ankle. He passes the blunt back to his little brother. They continue to pass back and forth throughout…

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