Labor Day weekend has passed. All of the fantasy drafts are over, all the boats have docked, and, hopefully, everyone has made a safe return back to the real world. That being said, you are probably either severely depressed to be back at work or eagerly anticipating the NFL’s kickoff weekend (or both). Taking that into consideration, I think the Pacman Jonesin’ NFL preview might be exactly what you all need to get through this tough time. Reader beware: This NFL preview has Tourettes. I can and will say anything that pops into my head while discussing each team. C’mon, don’t tell me you’ve never wanted to act like this…

• NFL Preview With Tourettes Part I
  

• Arizona Cardinals - It’s ironic that the Cards play in the desert, because they’re the most snake-bitten team in the NFL. I would feel bad for Whizzincunt’s new team, but for as cool as Matt Leinart thinks he is, he’s a real fucking loser. A loser who has a lot more money STDs than me (I have none, for the record). Don’t bet on this squad and only rely on Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald fantasy football wise. 2008 Prediction: About 7-9

• Atlanta Falcons - They’ll be under dogs all season long. Sorry. Couldn’t help it. I told you about my condition. Anyway, Joey Harrington might not be as exciting as Ookie, but he’s a nice guy who doesn’t misbehave off the field, have Leinart Syndrome or sneak contraband through airports. Alge Crumpler is the only guy you really want on your fantasy team, unless you want to take a flier on Joe Horn late. 2008 Prediction: About 6-10

• Baltimore Ravens - Big deal — they dumped one scumbag for another. If Willis McGahee scores more rushing touchdowns in ‘07 than he has illegitimate kids, I’ll be shocked. Still, the Ravens have a dominant defense and one of the better coaches in the league in Brian Billeck. Plus, Steve McNair knows how to get it done. Never put anything past a man who can get arrested fro DUI from the passenger seat. 2008 Prediction: About 11-5

• Buffalo Bills - Considering the collection of losers they’re trying to masquerade as a football team, I’m not so sure the Buffalo Bulls, a glorified NCAA D-II team, couldn’t fare just as well. Draft Lee Evans (not too early) and J.P. Losman (late), because the Bills will pretty much be trailing from the point they step on the field this Sunday all the way to January. Ignore Marshawn Lynch. I know it’s hard to turn your back on such a “solid” player, but you’ve got to. 2008 Prediction: About 0-17 (the Bills will find a way to lose on their bye week)

• Carolina Panthers - Steve Smith is my M.F., but I wouldn’t touch him fantasy football wise with Matt Leinart’s dick. I’ll never forget when that guy broke his leg during the opening game years ago and crushed my hopes and dreams. David Carr and Jake Delhomme may be the worst twosome in Carolina since these two. Wait a minute, I kinda dig those two. Anyway, fantasy owners should steer clear of the quarterbacks and running backs, and probably Steve Smith , too, considering how high he’s going. Just tune in, enjoy Julius Peppers and don’t expect too much, even in the NFC. 2008 Prediction: About 9-7

• Chicago Bears - Honestly, I’d rather have this 80 proof signal caller than Rex Grossman. They both blow, and I’m not just talking about breathalyzer tests either. At least Kyle Orton can party. Brian Urlacher is cool, because he goes all Baldwin on his ex and kid, and grabs more than just opponent’s jerseys. Don’t draft Devin Hester or any other Bears WRs, because Cedric Benson is the only Bears player you want on your fantasy squad (other than the defense, and if you pick defenses early enough to get that unit you’re an idiot). Da Bears will have another great year, just don’t expect another trip to Da Super Bowl. 2008 Prediction: About 12-4

• Cincinnati Bengals -After the Bungles both missed last years playoffs and racked up more arrests than the rest of the league combined (thanks to the human arrest machine), I’m shocked Marvin Lewis is still the head coach. Then again, we are talking about Ohio, where as long as the Buckeyes win everybody could give two shits about anything else. With Carson Palmer, Ocho Cinco and T.J. Whosyodaddy, the offense looks great. Stay the hell away from Rudi Johnson, whose fantasy stats put the “P” in pedestrian considering he’s typically a second-round pick. I’m not even going to bring up the defense and secondary. Ugh. 2008 Prediction: About 8-8

• Cleveland Browns - If Tom Cruise isn’t the poster boy for wannabe hunks who need to come out of the closet, then Mr. Quinn is next in line. Did I say that the Cardinals were the NFL’s unluckiest team? Well, if that’s true, then these sorry sons of bitches aren’t far behind. One more question: Is Romeo Crennel trying to get fired? Brady Quinn might be the biggest douche alive, but he’s a way better QB than Charlie Frye. Unless we’re talking Kellen Winslow, don’t ever play a Cleveland Browns player during the 2007 fantasy season. I guess you can play Braylon Edwards or Jamal Lewis, but if you’re that desperate just go do this to yourself. 2008 Prediction: About 3-13

• Dallas Cowboys - Wade Phillips. No, I’m serious — Wade Phillips. Remember that this team couldn’t win a playoff game with The Tuna coaching, then say his name again. Wade Phillips. I knew you’d see things my way. On the other hand, even though you’d expect his daughter to look like this, she actually looks like this. I’d definitely give her a rodgering, and cross my fingers that visions of daddy didn’t fill my head. It’s OK to have T.O. on your fantasy squad, just hope that all he continues to drop is teammates under the bus, and not passes. Tony Romo is acceptable as well, but you better have a back-up option. The combination of the muffed hold in the playoffs and Carrie Underwood (don’t tell Tony she was with that fat guy) could cause him to be all over the place this season. 2008 Prediction: About 9-7

• Denver Broncos - Is it just me, or is it a bad omen when two of a team’s players die during the offseason? Bill Simmons thinks Javon Walker is going to rebound and have a great year. I disagree. If I caught a dead’s guys head in my lap after bullets sprayed my limo, I’d probably drop everything thrown at me for the rest of my life. If the brother’s traumatized, can you really blame him? Jay Cutler isn’t a terrible option at QB, and Brandon Marshall has sleeper potential. But stay away from Travis Henry unless your league gives bonus points for fathering illegitimate kids. 2008 Prediction: About 8-8

• Detroit Lions - So, the Lions needed help at all kinds of positions, but once again took a wideout with a top ten pick. This always works out well, right? The only person who’s done a worse job than Matt Millen this decade and kept their position is Dub-ya. That’s it. Anyway, feel good about having Jon Kitna and his top three receivers — Calvin Johnson, Mike Furrey and Roy Williams — and don’t even think about the two backs. If you are one of the few Lions fans actually exist, get your paper bags out and poke out eye and mouth holes. You’ll need those if you plan on going to any games after week seven or so. 2008 Prediction: About 6-10

• Green Bay Packers - I swear, Brett Favre is going to keep playing until this happens. Sadly enough, Favre is about all the Packers have. I’m not saying this team is going to bad — I’m saying that the Pack is going to be fucking awful. Don’t give any Packer not named Donald Driver a fantasy start (at least for now), and don’t place a bet on the Pack making the playoffs with your bookie. You might as well wipe your ass with your money. Brandon Jackson? Vernand Morency? Is Mike McCarthy serious? 2008 Prediction: About 4-12

• Houston Texans - At least the Texans finally got rid of that old, broken down Carr. Now, this is Matt Schaub’s team. He better hope that the offensive line is ready to go to work, because if not he’s going to get the shit kicked out of him. Ahman Green and Andre Johnson are both definitely worth a shot, though, and keep rookie WR Jacoby Jones on your fantasy radar. I think the Texans finish third in the AFC South, which won’t leave them with a very pretty overall record. You think the front office regrets drafting Mario Williams right about now? I do. Drink up, Texans fans, no playoffs for you this season… again. 2008 Prediction: About 7-9

• Indianapolis Colts - Juggernaut offense, pathetic defense. I saw the playoffs, but the “D” won’t be able to build on that success after losing Booger, Cato June and several corners. Peyton and Co. will once again provide the fireworks, but so will opposing offenses. Watch Anthony Gonzalez if you are looking for a mid-season fantasy sleeper. He could be the new Brandon Stokley (who really only had one great game, but I digress). The Colts are good enough to take the AFC South and win a playoff game or two, but I don’t think they’ll repeat as AFC Champs. Sorry, Naptown. Hey, there’s always the Pacers. 2008 Prediction: About 12-4

• Jacksonville Jaguars - When Byron Leftwich is “euporic” about getting released, and subsequently losing both his starting job and $5.1 million, you know the Jags could be in deep trouble. David Garrard isn’t too shabby, but he’s no Steve Young. The defense will have to play out of its mind (something John Henderson and the crew are capable of), and Fred Taylor and MJD will have to remain both healthy and effective for this team to even have a shot. Actually, knowing that the Jags have the softest run schedule in the league, I actually do think they have a chance to make the playoffs. Now, the franchise remaining in Jacksonville, there’s something that has no chance of happening. Five years from now, Shooter McGavin will be a linebackers coach somewhere else, and the the Jags will be known as the Hollywood Anorexics. 2008 Prediction: About 12-4

• Kansas City Chiefs - Since I refuse to talk smack on my own team, just know that any team who’s GM (Carl Peterson) can make a fool out of the President is a pretty cool team. Actually, who can’t make a fool out of the President nowadays. It’s so easy it’s almost not even cool now. If you’ve watched hard Knocks, not only did you see Dub-ya, but you also saw Kelli Croyle and October Russell’s sexy asses that the Chiefs have an improved defense and a healthy, rested Larry Johnson. The Chiefs will at least break even. 2008 Prediction: About 8-8

Teams 17-32 coming soon…

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