Archive for November, 2008

Niners Top Buffalo, Win Ancient Chris Berman Schtick Bowl (P.S. Chris – Huey Lewis Sucks and Popping Aspirin is for 7th Graders) Browns Send Message to Embattled Crennell:  Don’t Let the Screendoor Hit Ya Chad Johnson Returns, Bengals Score Single Field Goal Rodgers Possessed by Ghost of Favre, Loses Game on 4th Quarter Pick Giants Shoot Redskins, Stash Gun in Jersey Sun Rises, Birds Sing, Lions Get Crushed McNabb to Cardinals:  I Gotcha Tie Right Here, Bitch Cowboys Strangle Seahawks With Plastic Bag.  PETA Denounces. Bush Runs for 0 in Saints Loss, Remembers Kim’s Butt, Smiles

The defending champion Giants received an early Christmas present this year – a huge flaming kerfuffle wrapped up in fancy paper – none of that drugstore crap – with a shiny red ribbon, delivered down their chimney by Bad Santa himself, Plaxico Burress.  I’m sure you already know the details (unless you were still passed out from all the turkey and booze you ingested on Thursday) but let me recap anyway:  Plaxico – and I know it may shock you to find out he’s a frequent patron of such places – was out clubbing with his boyz Friday night when [...]

I knew a lot of things about Chad Johnson.  I knew he was very creative.  I knew he had a pretty good right hook for a wide receiver.  I knew he liked to rock the gold grill like he was Flava Flav.  I knew he thought Cincinnati was a hell on earth.  What I didn’t know, until recently, was that he is a fool for Black Friday bargains.  Chad will even get up at the crack of dawn, throw on a dorky disguise and head out to Best Buy.  Check him out.  Would you suspect that the man in the [...]

The question of the day:  Is Brian Urlacher purposely trying to give his 3-year-old son Kennedy a bad case of gender confusion?  Yes, that’s the sort of sentence that requires explanation.  Okay…so Brian is currently embroiled in a legal battle with Kennedy’s mom Tyna Robertson, who claimed in a legal filing that Brian painted the boy’s toenails blue and made him wear Cinderella diapers.  This has Tyna worried that her son is going to grow up a bit gayish if not flat-out effeminate.  Tyna says Kennedy called the Cinderella diaper “pretty” and complained about taking a bath because it would [...]

The people who power-ranked the Giants above the Titans have now been vindicated.  And what’s with all this strife in Tennessee now?  LenDale White acting like a little punk because he isn’t getting the ball?  Who does he think he is, Terrell Owens?   I thought Vince Young was the only headcase on that team.  Guess I was wrong. The full power rankings after the jump:

The Packers‘ pass defense went into their Monday nighter against the Saints with a reputation as the most bad-ass in the league.  Drew Brees and his birthmark scoffed at said reputation and proceeded to complete 20 of 26 passes for 323 yards and 4 TDs (most of it was Drew).  It was the worst ass-kicking I’ve seen since that time I pitted my neighbor’s Schnauzer against a pit bull I shot up with some stuff I pinched from Bill Romanowski‘s medicine cabinet.  Boy was my neighbor mad.  Apparently they were fond of the Schnauzer.  They played with it and petted [...]

Chiefs Offense Explodes for 31.  Defense Just Plain Explodes. Another Blow For Gay Rights:  Brady Quinn Benched. Pats Shove Giant, Bitter-Tasting 48-Point Plug Into Joey Porter’s Yap. Eagles Save McNabb Further Embarrassment, Avoid Tie by 29 Points. Fat Andy Gut-Bounces McNabb to Bench. Cowboys Pull Down Niners’ Trousers, Play Wipeout on Their Ass-Cheeks. Lions Win First Quarter 17-0, Lose Next Three 38-3. It’s Official: Del Rio Sucks Worse Than Childress. Old Fart Favre to Old Fart Dolphins: Pop the Champagne.  And Pass the Vicodin.  Slow So You Don’t Startle Me and Make Me Wet My Wranglers. Rams Begin Off-Season…In Middle [...]

The trials and tribulations of Michael Vick made their way back into the national consciousness again this week, when Vick was transported from his home in Leavenworth to Virginia to face more charges related to his dog fighting escapades.  How lovely for us and our consciousness.  Of course everyone in the NFL knows by now that the Vick situation is off-limits as a subject of conversation – that any remark construable as even a round-about defense of Vick’s inhumanity to canine is going to get them lambasted in the media and perhaps even bodily attacked by a flour-wielding PETA nut, [...]