The Eagles and the Bengals played to a tie yesterday - the first tie in the NFL since whenever the last tie happened (I’m too lazy to look it up). The big story coming out of this snoozer of a game should’ve been that the Bengals managed to not lose for the second time this year, but in fact, a bigger, juicier, much more hilarious story has overshadowed this: Donovan McNabb, Eagles quarterback for the last ten seasons, revealed in a post-game press conference that he didn’t know regular season games could end in ties. Yes, he’s that dumb - and there’s video to prove it:

Anyone who ever questioned Donovan McNabb’s manhood now owes him a huge apology.  Seriously - how big a pair of balls does it take to go in front of reporters and admit that, despite your being an NFL player, you didn’t know NFL games can end in ties?  I don’t have that much guts.  Do you?  Does Terrell Owens?  We should all possess such humility in the face of error.  Are you listening George Bush?

Yes, Donovan McNabb is an example to us all - an example of how a real man deals with being exposed as an utter imbecile.  You stand up there and admit it, all the while acting like it’s no big deal.  “I’ve been in the league ten years and had no idea there was no second overtime.  So?  What you gonna do about it?”  Nothing Donovan - except stand back and marvel at your candor.  Your grace under pressure.  Your new status as the dumbest Eagle since Freddie Mitchell.

But, let’s hope all our joyous laughter at Donovan’s numbskullery doesn’t overshadow a more important point:  Ties suck.  Bud Selig knows that.  Every kid who ever had to go to their grandfather’s funeral or their big sister’s piano recital knows that.  Okay, that’s a different kind of tie - but I just wanted to get that in.  That kind of tie does suck - even worse than the other kind.  Thank goodness God gave us tuxedo t-shirts.  Nothing’s classier than throwing one of those suckers on and rolling into your cousin’s wedding reception.  And getting really drunk and putting your hand on your own aunt’s ass and telling her she’s the hottest woman you’ve ever seen and you’re dying to have sex with her.  Was that out-loud?

We were talking about ties - the kind where both teams end up with the same score and, no Donovan, there’s no more overtime.  Something needs to be done about these things.  Maybe we need a gimmicky overtime format like college football.  Or a field goal shootout.  Or maybe both teams could just come out and rumble in the middle of the field and whoever’s left standing wins.  Or, maybe each team could pick their biggest, meanest-looking fan and have those guys duke it out - in a cage-match, with flames and really hot ring-card girls.  Or instead of fans it could be robots.  And instead of ring-card girls it could be trannies.  Or maybe you could just, I don’t know, keep playing until one team wins?

It’s good that we’re having this debate at least.  If Donovan McNabb has to be humiliated in front of the entire world, something constructive should come out of it.  So Donovan’s dignity will not have died in vain.