Tony Romo is apparently perfect.  He’s handsome (I’m told).  He has a famous girlfriend who is nearly as hot as Tom Brady’s famous girlfriend.  He plays the most glamorous position on the most glamorous team in the most glamorous league in the world.  And, as if this weren’t enough, he is also the nicest human being ever to walk this great big floating ball we call the earth.  He’s nice to his friends.  Nice to his teammates (even Terrell Owens probably).  Nice to animals.  And - the true measure of his dreaminess - nice to strangers.

Exceptionally nice to strangers, if we are to believe the recent story coming out of Dallas - the one where Tony and his friend were hanging out when they happened upon a homeless guy and decided to treat him to a movie.  They took him to see Role Models - appropriately.  “The $67 million quarterback and a man who doesn’t have $6.70 to his name sat next to each other and shared laughs for 90 minutes or so,” reads the account from the Dallas Morning News.  Tony, we’re assured, wasn’t bothered by the homeless man’s foul stench.  “I’m used to being in locker rooms,” Tony told the hobo, who was worried about offending the quarterback’s nose.  And do you want even more adorable?  The homeless guy’s name was Doc - just like the dwarf!

This is of course not the first time a peasant has given an account of Romo’s gallantry.  Earlier this year, we learned about a married couple, the Whites, who’d suffered a flat on their Mercury, and were just about ready to commit suicide when Romo happened along, and got their pesky air compressor to work so they could refill their tire.  “I did something no 50-year-old woman should be doing, but I screamed real loud, and then jumped up and hugged him,” said Mrs. White.  And then she offered her first-born daughter to Tony, but of course he refused.  Goodniks like him don’t expect repayment, even in the form of sexual favors.  They do it for the love - of all humanity.

Of course the main stream media eat this crap up.  The stories generally go like this:  The sports world is filled with assholes like Pacman Jones and Chad Johnson and Bill Belichick, but at least there are still some nice guys out there who we wouldn’t mind having a beer with or even kissing (on the cheek, in a non-gay way).  One such nice guy is Tony Romo who on Tuesday rescued a kitten from a tree, saved a baby from a burning house and then hurried over to Afghanistan to help build a school for blind landmine victims.  All before lunch!  With a bandaid on his chin from a shot he took in Sunday’s game!  How awesome is this guy?  And how horrible are T.O. and Joey Porter and all those other selfish loudmouths who wouldn’t rescue their own mothers from drowning unless someone told them they’d get a bonus?

Yes, we get it - the NFL is full of jerks but not Tony Romo.  He’s one of the good ones.  Why, Tony’s so good that it’s almost…hard to believe.  Almost…too good to be true.

These stories about Tony are so heart-warming and inspirational that they’re almost…like fictions dreamed up by some incredibly cynical but brilliant public relations man.

This gets me thinking:  Do we have any corroborating witnesses for these stories?  Cause, as far as I know, all we have are the people Tony helped and then Tony.  The people always come out with their stories independently, and then Tony confirms them but doesn’t “wish to elaborate.”  Cause he’s so modest and doesn’t want to make a big deal.  Yeah - that’s very convenient.  Too convenient.

Sorry but I smell a rat.  A big, lying rat that’s going around paying people to say Tony Romo did them a good turn.  I wonder how much they’re getting?  How much is a soul worth?  Did Doc finally move out from under the overpass and buy himself some deodorant?  Did the Whites upgrade from their Mercury to something really good?  Like a Pontiac?  With a spare?

I am officially calling Tony Romo on his bullshit.  Tony - please stop these lies.  You’re already good enough for us.  You’re a fine, strapping lad.  You’re hosing Jessica Simpson (according to the tabloids).  You’re the freaking starting quarterback of the freaking Dallas Cowboys.  Why do you want to risk tarnishing your good name forever by indulging in these PR games?  What will be next?  Talking a crazy man down off the ledge of a building?  Helping Courtney Love put the smack away for good?  Saving an Eskimo family from freezing to death after their igloo burns down?  How far can you push it before it all comes crashing down Tony?

How long can you go on living a lie?

And does it even matter when you know you’ll soon have a faceful of Jessica Simpson’s boobies?

This is not resentment or jealousy - I simply want to know the truth.  We all do.  For the sake of the children.