Brian Urlacher. Gender Confusion. Christmas Just Came Early…
The question of the day: Is Brian Urlacher purposely trying to give his 3-year-old son Kennedy a bad case of gender confusion? Yes, that’s the sort of sentence that requires explanation. Okay…so Brian is currently embroiled in a legal battle with Kennedy’s mom Tyna Robertson, who claimed in a legal filing that Brian painted the boy’s toenails blue and made him wear Cinderella diapers. This has Tyna worried that her son is going to grow up a bit gayish if not flat-out effeminate. Tyna says Kennedy called the Cinderella diaper “pretty” and complained about taking a bath because it would ruin the paint-job on his toes. She seems to suggest that Brian and his girlfriend are doing this to Kennedy just to mess with her. Brian’s lawyer shot back that Tyna is saying crazy stuff to the media to try and smear Brian. And now we all know too much about what goes on behind-the-scenes of Brian Urlacher’s life. Sort of casts that Old Spice commercial of his in a different light, doesn’t it?
It’s gonna take more than some crappy-smelling aftershave to fix Kennedy if Brian doesn’t cut it out. Then again, maybe Tyna is over-reacting. Maybe Brian is just showing how open-minded he is. Maybe Brian is trying to teach little Kennedy that all this gender stuff is in our heads and it’s really perfectly okay for a man to paint his toenails and wear Cinderella undergarments if he wants to. What kind of stuff does Brian wear under his uniform, I wonder? Is he into Hello Kitty at all? Does he like to pick flowers and skip around a lot? Is the whole tough football player thing merely a facade? Is the real Brian just itching to come out and prance and sing tunes from South Pacific and go dancing with Warren Sapp?
Stuff like this is why the old-timers are always accusing today’s players of being pansies. Honestly – that whole toenail-painting thing? That isn’t even really gay – it’s actually kind of normal for football players. Ask Darren Sharper. That dude makes Liberace look like Dick Butkus. You know why Deion Sanders wouldn’t hit? He didn’t want to mess up his manicure. Urlacher probably doesn’t think there’s anything weird at all about what he’s doing with the kid. Tyna’s the only one who’s worried about his future identity. Maybe she should play football? What’s her 40 time like? I bet Tyna wouldn’t bitch over being laid out by Hines Ward. She’d just smack him right back in his mouth. Yup, the NFL definitely needs more Tynas. And less nail-polish.
