Pacman Jonesin’ now takes a break from hammering Plaxico Burress to present the Week 13 power rankings…which are topped again by Plaxico’s team, the Giants:

1. New York Giants The Giants had a bad week.  Plaxico Burress got arrested for shooting himself in the leg with a gun he wasn’t supposed to have on him (in case you hadn’t heard).  Antonio Pierce got in trouble for allegedly trying to hide the gun for Plax.  Ahmad Bradshaw got his name in the papers too for being in the general vicinity of all the mayhem.  New York mayor Michael Bloomberg came out like a frothing mad-dog politician in an old James Cagney movie and swore Plax would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law (by God).  Did I mention the Giants completely destroyed the Redskins and are now 11-1?

2. Tennessee Titans I submit to the evidence placed before me:  The Titans are 11-1 and the last game they played saw them winning 47-10.  No matter that the game was against Detroit - they were coming off a loss and they were on the road and it was a short week and they won big.  Their banishment from the top 2, which was mostly based on the hints of dissension I thought I perceived behind the LenDale White flap, is over.  They’re the #1 team in the AFC - until someone else gives me a reason to bump them again.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers The Patriots were rising in everyone’s estimation again until the Steelers came along and slapped them down.  Who the hell would be crazy enough to want to face this defense in the playoffs?  These guys hurt people.  Just ask Wes Welker.  He might not be able to answer though, what with the feeding tube down his throat…

4. Dallas Cowboys I don’t feel like I’m rolling the dice by ranking the Cowboys this high.  I really think they have their mojo back and, as long as Romo doesn’t get hurt again, are the second-best team in the NFC and the squad with the best chance to knock off the Giants in the playoffs.  They certainly made believers out of the Seahawks.

5. Indianapolis Colts Only managed to beat Cleveland 10-6.  So, some would argue that they deserve to be downgraded.  I disagree.  The weather was miserable in Cleveland and the Colts’ style of offense just doesn’t work in that kind of crap.  The important thing for me is that their defense is playing well and they’re showing a tough, grinding mentality.  They will need their defense and attitude in the postseason because, frankly, they are not the team they were a couple of years ago when they won the Super Bowl.  They are not going to blow many people out anymore.  It’s possible they’re even on the downside.  But they have one more run in them, I think.

6. New York Jets What the hell was that?  A 34-17 loss at home?  To the muhfuhin Broncos?  This is how they repay me for bumping them all the way up to #2?  Stinkbomb.  Turd.  Giant fat smelly egg.  I don’t care what the Jets do from now till the end of the regular season - I don’t believe in them anymore.  The Broncos for Gosh sakes.  That’s almost as bad as getting beat by the Raiders.  By the way, Brett - feel free to complete a pass.  23/43 against that suckball defense?  No excuse for that.  None.

7. Carolina Panthers The NFC South reshuffles on here every week because, frankly, I can’t make up my mind which team I like best.  The Falcons are the trendy pick right now and the Buccaneers have the defense, but for today I like the Panthers.  I like the way they hung in against the Packers and stuck the knife in them at the end.  I like that Steve Smith can still dominate.  I like that DAngelo Williams scores touchdowns the way Shaun Alexander used to before he became a broken-down old back without a job.  I like the way Jake Delhomme yells at everyone like he wants to fight them…even when the team is doing well.

8. Baltimore Ravens I’m this close to giving in and declaring Joe Flacco the real deal.  He had a really nice game this weekend - 19/29 for 280 yards and 2 TDs.  And if it had been against someone better than the Bengals, I would probably just cave in and say he’s legit.  But this whole team just doesn’t do it for me for some reason.  I get a sham vibe off them.  A sucker bet feel.  I still think they’ll fold in the last four games.  I don’t know.  Maybe Harbaugh really is that good a coach.  Maybe Flacco really is more than a circus freak.

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers Did their part in sorting out the NFC South mess by putting the Saints and their little playoff hopes to bed.  Now it’s a three-team race.  The Bucs have a few things going for them:  They can play defense (boy can they).  They have a quarterback who may be old but can still move and make plays.  They have Jon Gruden who may be the textbook definition of a dickhead but is still indisputably a great coach.  I see them finishing second behind Carolina and grabbing the Wild Card spot not claimed by the Cowboys.

10. New England Patriots Matt Cassel:  You were the hot young thing in the NFL.  The pro football equivalent of Robert Pattinson.  The It Boy.  The one all the QB-challenged teams and their fans screamed their heads off at like you were Elvis Presley, Paul McCartney and David Cassidy rolled into one.  And then a big bad snarling warty bully called the Pittsburgh Steelers came along and pushed your pretty mug into the mud and messed up your hair and kicked you a couple of times and took off on his Harley with your girlfriend.  Oh, and your wide receivers decided to take the day off (and Wes Welker got knocked into next week).  So you went from 2 straight 400-yard weeks to a passer rating of 39.4.  Them’s the breaks.

11. Atlanta Falcons Going into San Diego and beating the Chargers would’ve seemed an astonishing accomplishment back in Week 1 when people still thought Norv’s boys were playoff contenders.  Now?  It’s still a cool thing to do, it just isn’t a “my God what just happened” moment.  We know now that the Falcons can play and the Chargers, well, can’t.  What is impressive is the Falcons’ overall 3-3 road record, and the fact that rookie Matt Ryan has them in the thick of the NFC playoff race.  And Michael Turner is, as we speak, the front-runner for MVP.  He has to be.  Right?

12. Washington Redskins The Skins have a nice team but could still get bum-rushed right out of the playoffs by a whole gaggle of NFC South squads.  And then there’s that whole Clinton Portis thing.  He’s an MVP contender but, unfortunately, every single part of his body is hurt.  Right now it’s the neck that’s bothering him most.  Of course he’ll play this weekend against Baltimore - he always plays.  Plus his team kind of needs that game.  He can take the next week off against Cincinnati.

13. Arizona Cardinals A little two game skid now after getting undressed by a highly motivated (i.e. pissed off) Eagles squad.  It’s cute the way they throw almost every play and they’re in a suck division so they can easily coast into the playoffs but…you need a running game to win in the postseason and this team doesn’t have one.  It doesn’t even try to have one.  Even though it has Edgerrin James who probably still has a few gallons left in the tank.  Do they plan on whipping Edge out as their secret weapon come the playoffs?

14. Miami Dolphins They are holding tenaciously to dark horse status in the AFC.  I personally don’t believe in them, but I understand the case people might want to make based on the remaining schedule.  At Buffalo, home against Frisco, at Kansas City and at the Jets.  If they pick off three of those they’ll be 10-6 and right in the hunt.  A bit of a pipe dream (sorry Ricky), but then again, this is the team that won 1 stinking game all last year and they’ve already got 7 and they’re doing it with a goofball college style offense and a quarterback everyone thought was washed-up.  Their whole season has felt like a drug-induced hallucination.

15. Minnesota Vikings Somebody eventually had to take charge of the NFC North, and it turned out to be the Vikings.  All they needed was to get the Bears at the Metrodome and fire up Adrian Peterson.  Now all they need is for the Williams Wall to succeed in getting an injunction against the NFL to prevent their suspensions.  And for Gus Frerotte to turn back the clock for the final four games.  They could well win the division, but they’re still only also-rans in the NFC.

16. Philadelphia Eagles Okay Eagles, you proved your point - you’re not done.  You can still get your shit together and lay a thumping on somebody.  Donovan McNabb - you showed everyone that you’re not ready for the rocking chair.  Andy Reid - you demonstrated your coaching prowess and your motivational powers.  You’re sort of hovering on the edges of the playoff chase now…too bad you couldn’t have put up one more stinking score on the god-awful Bengals.  Then you would be 7-5 right now instead of 6-5-1.  Then people would take you seriously.  Then Donovan McNabb would not be a punchline on every dopey blog like this one.

17. Denver Broncos The pride of the whole suckball AFC West was on the line when the Broncos visited the Jets.  Denver took their burden seriously and laid a somewhat perplexing whuppin’ on New York and are now within a game of guaranteeing no one will win that division with anything less than a .500 record.  All this proves is that, when Jay Cutler gets it cranked up, he can win a game practically by himself - with maybe a little help from Peyton Hillis.  No I don’t know who he is either.

18. Buffalo Bills They made us believe this was a renaissance year for them and then…three points against the Niners.  At home.  Oh yes, I know - the wind.  The kicker couldn’t handle the wind.  Seems like no one on the team could handle the wind.  Sorry Bills, but you have to do better than .500 at home if you want to truly turn your fortunes around.

19. New Orleans Saints Feel-good vibes only last so long - at some point you have to become a consistent team if you want to matter.  And the Saints ain’t consistent.  Actually, I take that back - they are consistent in one area:  their suckiness on the road.  It was also too bad for them that the whole division seemed to take a step forward this year (five or six steps in the Falcons’ case).  They sort of got freight-trained, to borrow some NASCAR lingo.  Maybe next year they’ll find a real running back.

20. Chicago Bears Despair not Bears fans - you have an easier schedule the last four games than the Vikings and you’re not facing the loss of two of your most important defensive players.  I’m sure Kyle Orton will play better than he did at the Metrodome (where he stunk it up like Jim Harbaugh back in the days when Mike Ditka used to go off on him on the sidelines for calling ill-advised audibles).  And your defense should be happy - they don’t have to try to tackle Adrian Peterson anymore this year.  So, keep your heads up.  You may still win this thing.

21. San Francisco 49ers I don’t know what to think of them going into Buffalo and winning that game.  On the one hand, Buffalo played just awful and their kicker was so bad that for a second everyone forgot Scott Norwood (only for a second).  On the other hand, there’s something to be said for a team that travels into those conditions and keeps it together and grinds and scraps and holds on.  Maybe Mike Singletary’s crazy tough-guy stuff is taking hold with this squad.  And who knows…maybe Arizona will go kerflop the rest of the season and Frisco can still sneak in there and win the division?  That would be amazingly cool.  Especially the post-game celebration where Singletary gives his team the Full Monty.

22. Houston Texans They played the first Monday night game in their history and won against the pitiful hopeless Jags.  Well, how nice for them.  Too bad no one in America watched it.  Seriously…the Texans and Jags on Monday night?  Yeah, I know it’s hard deciding ahead of time what games will be good and what ones will be bad…but the Texans and Jags?  Even idiot ESPN programmers had to know that one would be a dog.  Even if the Jags had turned out not to stink like they do…still a dog.

23. Green Bay Packers Steve Smith broke their hearts like no one since you know who left town.  Now Packer fans won’t have to worry about freezing their drunk asses off in Lambeau in January - they won’t be playing.  They can go out in an ice fishing shack on some lake and freeze their drunk asses off there instead.  Honestly Packers…just slap two guys on Smith.  How hard is that?

24. Jacksonville Jaguars Just when you think it can’t get worse for the Jags, they get pasted by the Texans on Monday night.  Now they’re dead last in the division.  Turnovers are killing them faster than crack is killing Amy Winehouse.  But, unlike Amy Winehouse, the Jags still have hope for the future.  They can hire a new coaching staff and get their offensive line squared away and come back next year rejuvenated and ready to go.

25. Cleveland Browns Brady Quinn?  Gone.  Derek Anderson?  Gone.  Ken Dorsey?  Ugh.  Romeo Crennell?  Printing up resumes.

26. Kansas City Chiefs Here’s the cool thing about being a Chiefs fan - you can be having the absolute most unbearably horrible year and still, if you beat the Raiders, you feel like everything is fine.  That’s why rivalries rock.  They give you the opportunity to cover your general despair with a temporary feeling of superiority.  And thanks to the hideousness of the Chargers, the Chiefs still have a shot at second.

27. Oakland Raiders Worst attempted fake field goal in the history of football.  Al Davis would be ashamed right now if he was capable of experiencing shame.  And by the way…what exactly was Sebastian Janikowski going to do with the ball in the event the holder actually got it to him with that dumb little flip?  Was he planning on going all Marcus Allen on the Chiefs?  I guess that’s the kind of stuff you have to try when you’re God-awful.

28. San Diego Chargers Their 4-8 record says I should be according them more respect than this, but I say otherwise.  They burned me.  I put them ahead of the Broncos last week and said I thought they would still come back and win the division…and they lost to Atlanta.  So screw them.  No more pity-points.  No more “they were going okay till Ed Hochuli fucked them over.”  They stink.  Norv Turner stinks.  Michael Turner got the last laugh on them and I’m glad.  And I can’t believe how over LaDainian Tomlinson is.

29. Seattle Seahawks The Seahawks stink.  Rather than pile on them some more, why don’t we all enjoy this fun NFL Films video of the 1983 Hawks upsetting the Dolphins to make the AFC Championship Game (which they would end up losing to the Raiders).  Aw the good old days.

30. Cincinnati Bengals I’d really like to do the Bengals fans a favor and suggest something positive for them to hold onto but…I can’t.  Their team really is dismal and I don’t see anything in their situation that suggests cause for optimism.  Of course it’s all the Steelers’ fault for hurting Carson Palmer in that playoff game.  In no way should we blame a complete organization-wide lack of discipline for their current misfortune.

31. St. Louis Rams Steven Jackson and Jim Haslett are sniping at each other.  Haslett said Jackson’s bad season was the result of his holdout, then said after the latest loss that Jackson was kept out in the fourth quarter because he was “gassed.”  After the game Jackson said he wasn’t tired at all, and said he wished Haslett would stop accusing him of being out-of-shape.  Ooh, it’s just like Lauren and Audrina.  Such bitches.

There Isn’t a Number Low Enough. Detroit Lions Is Letterman making fun of them yet?  That’s when you know you’ve arrived at the bottom - comedy writers are using you for bad punchlines instead of Sarah Palin and Lindsay Lohan.