They say chicks dig the long ball.  Some chicks dig slapshots, monster jams and bomb passes too.  And, you know, sex with highly-toned, physically gifted, well-endowed athletic gods.  It’s too bad some people don’t appreciate all these ladies have to offer.

1.  Tara Reid

In Case You Didn’t Know…She’s an actress.  Or used to be (she was in The Big Lebowski).  Now she’s pretty much a drunken tabloid trainwreck.

Current Squeeze:  Heard she was seeing some French fashion designer or something.  Chicks love dating Europeans - it gives them an excuse not to shave their armpits.

Athletic Conquests:  Mark Philippousis, Tom Brady, Kyle Boller, Jeremy Shockey, Sergei Federov

Tara will always be known as The One Who Came Before Gisele.  The pass Kyle Boller threw at her was the greatest of his career.  That weekend with Jeremy Shockey must’ve been crazy.

2.  Paris Hilton

In Case You Didn’t Know…Um, have you been living under a rock?

Current Squeeze:  Whoever’s handy (was one of those icky Madden guys a few minutes ago…the one who’s not married to Nicole Richie).

Athletic Conquests:  Oscar De La Hoya, Mark Philippoussis (busy guy), Brian Urlacher, Matt Leinart, Andy Roddick, Others I’m Probably Forgetting About

Oscar only dated her cause he wanted to borrow her fishnets.  Urlacher stole all her nail polish.

3.  Brandy

In Case You Didn’t Know…She’s a singer.  And she used to be on that show Moesha.  And she was once sued for $50 million after killing a guy in a car wreck.  Can happen to anyone…

Current Squeeze:  Bryan Cox

Athletic Conquests:  Chris Webber, Kobe Bryant, Quentin Richardson

Kobe took her to the prom - after he was drafted into the NBA.  They didn’t do anything of course.

4.  Madonna

In Case You Didn’t Know…Her plans for world domination are still moving forward.

Current Squeeze:  Alex Rodriguez.

Other Athletic Conquests:  John Starks, Jose Canseco, Bison Dele (whose disappearance remains unsolved), Dennis Rodman, Charles Barkley

If you will sleep with John Starks and Dennis Rodman, you will sleep with anyone.  The fact that she was willing to do Jose Canseco proves conclusively that, at least to Madonna, size doesn’t matter.

5.  Mariah Carey

In Case You Didn’t Know…She’s a shrieking harpy who’s sold about a billion records, for reasons that remain inexplicable.  She’s obsessed with butterflies.  She sleeps with fifteen humidifiers around her bed.

Current Squeeze:  Nick Cannon (fake husband)

Athletic Conquests:  Derek Jeter, Grant Hill, Rick Fox

Also did Eminem and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.  Not at the same time.  That would’ve been wrong.

6.  Mamie Van Doren

In Case You Didn’t Know…This Marilyn Monroe knock-off starred in such forgettable films as Untamed Youth, High School Confidential and College Confidential.  MST3K fans know all about her.

Current Squeeze:  Thomas Dixon.  They’ve been married since 1979.  She’s 77 now and still prone to nip-slips.

Athletic Conquests:  Art Aragon (boxer), Jack Dempsey, Bo Belinsky (baseball player), Joe Namath

She was the Loni Anderson of her generation.  And yes, like Loni, she also did Burt Reynolds.  She liked Broadway Joe but had to dump him after he gave her full-body rug-burn.

7.  Elisha Cuthbert

In Case You Didn’t Know…She was Kiefer Sutherland’s daughter on 24.  The one who kept getting kidnapped. Who wouldn’t want to kidnap her?

Current Squeeze: Dion Phaneuf

Other Athletic Conquests:  Sean Avery, Mike Komisarek, Shaun White

Her career as the world’s hottest hockey groupie has turned out somewhat better than her career as a movie star (House of Wax?  Captivity?).  Some chicks have a thing for toofless guys.

8.  Gisele Bundchen

In Case You Didn’t Know…She dresses in bikinis and shakes it for a living.  Some have suggested she could improve herself by wearing a bag over her head.

Current Squeeze:  Tom Brady

Other Athletic Conquests:  Francesco Coco (soccer player), Kelly Slater (surfer)

Gisele knows that real men don’t prance up and down runways - they slam into each other in completely non-homo-erotic fashion as part of sporting contests.  And they grunt and scratch a lot.

9.  Mae West

In Case You Didn’t Know…She was a pioneer of double-entendre back in the days before fire and the wheel.

Current Squeeze:  Uh…she be dead.

Athletic Conquests:  Joe Louis, Jack Johnson, Paul Novak (bodybuilder), Max Baer (boxer, father of Jethro Bodine)

“Come on up and see me some time” was her famous catchphrase.  She often used it on boxers.  It seemed to work.

10.  Naomi Campbell

In Case You Didn’t Know…She was once famous for being a model and starring in a video with Michael Jackson.  Now she is famous for physically assaulting the help with PDAs and going nuts on planes.

Current Squeeze: Vladimir Doronin (Russian big wig)

Athletic Conquests:  Mike Tyson, Lewis Hamilton, Pedro Diniz (race car driver), Max Biaggi (motorcycle racer)

It’s too bad her relationship with Mike Tyson didn’t work out.  Can you imagine the size of that medicine cabinet?