Week 14 Power Rankings – Titans Reign Again

The Giants stumbled and now the Titans are the darlings of the NFL again.  Meanwhile, the Panthers took over first place in the division, and moved a step closer to challenging the Giants for homefield in the NFC.  And speaking of stumbling NFC East teams…what the hell happened to the Cowboys?  Your complete Week 14 power rankings after the jump:

1. Tennessee Titans (12-1) That loss a couple weeks ago to the Jets now looks like a fluke more than anything.  Hey, everyone’s entitled to one bad game a year, right?  The Titans now look like they will steamroll into the playoffs.  That final-week showdown against the Colts will be little more than a tune-up game.  I really don’t see a chink in the armor at this point.  They can run, they can stop people, and they have a poised, veteran quarterback who makes very few mistakes.  The only thing that could trip them up is an injury to Kerry Collins.

2. New York Giants (11-2) The Eagles went into their house and kicked their butts, pure and simple.  I doubt it was Plaxico distraction as much as media-scrutiny fatigue – which actually boils down to the same thing, doesn’t it?  Last year, the Giants specialized in overcoming the loss of big-name players (Tiki and Jeremy), but the Plax loss might be one-too-many.  And now Brandon Jacobs is hurt.  Good thing for them they’ve already clinched a playoff berth and can sort of cruise in.  Homefield would be nice but they didn’t need it last year, did they?

3. Indianapolis Colts (9-4) The numbers are no longer spectacular but the results are the same – wins, wins, wins.  Seems silly now that we ever doubted them, doesn’t it?  The really crazy thing is that they’re only 20th in offense – though they’re still Top 10 in passing (and always will be as long as Peyton is around).  Their defense is playing fantastic (not that holding the Bengals to a field goal is much of an accomplishment).  They have firmly cemented themselves as the favorite playoff dark horse.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3) I think we found out the difference between Tony Romo and Ben Roethlisberger – when the pressure turns up, Ben makes plays for his team while Tony makes plays for the other team.  I’ll take the team with the calm and collected quarterback every time – you can have your free-spirited pretty boy stat-monkeys who fold up like a cheap suitcase as soon as there’s something on the line.  Thanks very much.

5. Carolina Panthers (10-3) It was time for the NFC South to get its props.  So there you go – the Panthers are now in the top 5.  And the cool thing for them is that they get to play the Giants in a couple of weeks and maybe take away homefield in the NFC.  Yup, it’s a fact – the Panthers have a shot at the second Super Bowl appearance in their short history.  The Lions have been around for decades and never made it.  Not to rub it in on the Lions.

6. Baltimore Ravens (9-4) Do they keep winning just to rub my face in it?  I think they do.  Well, all right, I give in – all those AFC East teams will knock each other off and the Ravens will make the playoffs.  With Joe Flacco as their quarterback.  Which seems almost as unlikely as Trent Dilfer leading a team to a Super Bowl championship.  But it happened.  And Ed Reed is a beast.

7. Philadelphia Eagles (7-5-1) The Eagles were not just in trouble after tying the Bengals and losing that awful game to Baltimore – they were dead.  Dead like Jason Vorhees or Michael Myers or Freddie Krueger.  You see what I’m driving at.  Sometimes dead ain’t dead.  I think all of us who bashed them should now stand up and give them a round of applause for saving their season.  Smacking down the Cardinals and then going into the Meadowlands and beating up on the Giants – that’s quite a turnaround considering where they seemed to be.  The lesson here, I think, is not to psychoanalyze teams from afar.  We thought they were completely dysfunctional and falling apart but, it turned out they weren’t.  It helps to have Brian Westbrook playing like Brian Westbrook.

8. Miami Dolphins (8-5) Not only are the Dolphins tied for first but, if they can navigate through to the final week without stumbling, they will have a shot at outright winning the thing against the Jets.  I guess this is the year of the epic turnaround, eh?  You had the Tampa Bay Rays going from nothing to the World Series, and you had Michael Phelps pulling out that one race after he fell way behind.  And don’t forget about the great show biz comeback of the year:  Britney Spears.  Yeah, didn’t you hear?  She’s got her shit together again.  Her ass is tight.  She’s feeling frisky.  She might slap Miley Cyrus around just for the hell of it.

9. Arizona Cardinals (8-5) The Cardinals captured their first division title since the Watergate era.  Even old man Kurt Warner was only a kid then.  Dan Dierdorf played on that team – and I’m guessing the rest of the guys all wanted to punch him in the face.  The ’75 Cards ended up being knocked out in the first round by the Rams, and the same thing will probably happen this year – not the Rams part obviously, but the Cards getting booted early.  That old Cards team, by the way, had a pair of good running backs in Jim Otis and Terry Metcalf.  This Cards team can’t even find one.

10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4) The Bucs were looking pretty good until those two Carolina backs went all freight-train on them.  Jeff Garcia did the best he could but, damn, at some point you have to be able to run the ball a little.  The division is still up in the air and the Bucs have the schedule advantage by a scosh.

11. Atlanta Falcons (8-5) Michael Turner didn’t have a very good game against New Orleans.  The Saints ran on Atlanta a bit too.  The Falcons can get right back on their horse this weekend at home against the Bucs.  For the moment, they are on the outside looking in at the playoffs.  They have the horses to make it though.  Matt Ryan is for real.

12. New England Patriots (8-5) There are two ways to go with this one:  I can either salute the Pats for their grit and determination in pulling out the Seahawks game, or I can point out how ashamed they should be that they were ever behind to that piece of shit team in the first place.  And Matt Hasselbeck didn’t even play!  The Pats came this close to being knocked off by Seneca Wallace.  Forget this team in the playoffs…in fact, forget them even making the playoffs.  Tom Brady can’t come back fast enough.

13. Dallas Cowboys (8-5) Ohh…what a gigantic turd they laid against Pittsburgh.  What the hell was that?  Have Tony Romo and Jason Witten not played together for several years now, not to mention all those practices?  Did I not spy Terrell Owens barking at folks on the sidelines?  Now there’s a bit of dissension between the head coach and owner too.  Jerry Jones dissed Marion Barber for not playing despite his injured toe, and Wade Phillips had to defend his player’s manhood against said assault.  The Cowboys should be one of the best teams in the league but why do they always feel like they’re on the verge of falling apart?  They need a more dominant personality at the head coach position – someone who can keep all the egos above and below him in check.  Parcells seemed to lose his desire in the end so it was no mistake letting him go.  Bill Cowher would seem the right guy for this situation, no?

14. Minnesota Vikings (8-5) This is as high as I see this team getting.  Their schedule is brutal down the stretch and they’re probably not going to have the Williams Wall.  And now Tarvaris Jackson is back as QB and Jared Allen is hurt in every part of his body.  And Adrian Peterson has butterfingers.  Sorry, but I don’t see this team holding it together in the face of all that.  They’re notorious late-season floppers and it’s all set up for another collapse.

15. San Francisco 49ers (5-8) They’re kicking the crap out of the AFC East – though I see that ending this weekend against Miami.  Who knows though.  This team is playing with a lot of heart and desire and when you look at Mike Singletary, you see where it comes from.  People have been asking, “Should Singletary be the coach next season?”  I don’t even know why there’s a question.  This team was dead and now they’re alive.  They had no discipline and now they know who the boss is.  If Singletary isn’t the coach next year…well, then something is rotten in the kingdom of Denmark (and Charles Barkley might have a coronary).

16. Denver Broncos (8-5) These guys are snakebit for real.  Yeah, they managed to beat the Chiefs – so what; it’s the Chiefs – but now the guy who finally stepped up at running back, that Hillis fellow, is hurt and done for the season.  I didn’t have any faith in them before and now I really don’t.  They’ll win the division because someone has to.

17. Chicago Bears (7-6) Their season hinges on whether the judge lifts the injunction and allows the NFL to suspend the Williams Wall.  They made their own bed by going belly-up a couple weeks ago in the Metrodome.  They have to beat the Packers in a couple weeks to keep the tiebreaker scenarios from sinking them.  It looks kind of dire but everyone keeps picking them to win the division.  I do too.

18. Houston Texans (6-7) Good job on going into Lambeau and beating the Packers.  That still means something even if the Packers now stink like old shoes.  Matt Schaub can throw it around some and Andre Johnson is a helluva player.  And, don’t look now, but Steve Slaton has over 1000 yards as a rookie.  The future really looks bright for this squad.  I bet they make the playoffs next year.

19. New York Jets (8-5) Two bad losses in a row since ascending to the apparent #1 spot in the AFC.  It was a case of premature adjulation all the way.  I’m starting to wonder now if it will work out between Brett Favre and Eric Mangini.  Favre needs to sling it but Mangini wants to rein everything in.  The Jets might have been better with Chad Pennington who is having a solid season for Miami.  It’s too late in the year for a team to be struggling with its identity.

20. Washington Redskins (7-6) Technically they’re not done but they feel done.  Jason Campbell isn’t playing well and Clinton Portis is always hurt.  It’s a little dangerous to just bury a team, as the Eagles taught us, but I feel reasonably certain that the Skins will not be doing anything this year.

21. New Orleans Saints (7-6) They keep hanging around.  This is testament to Drew Brees who would be an MVP shoo-in if the team had a couple more wins.  The death-blow is going to come sooner-or-later though – maybe this weekend against the Bears.

22. Buffalo Bills (6-7) The Dolphins performed the coup de grace on them in Toronto.  I don’t know how I feel about NFL football in Toronto.  It seems like they should lengthen the field and spread it wider and, I don’t know, get Doug Flutie out there.  It seems almost inevitable now that the Bills will wind up playing in Canada.  First Tim Russert and now this.  Poor Buffalo.  At least you still have the Sabres.  Or did they move too?

23. San Diego Chargers (5-8) Congrats on beating the hell out of the Raiders.  That really makes up for the rest of your crappy season, doesn’t it?  People in San Diego don’t say “Fuck you” anymore, they say “Hochuli you.”  “Up your Hochuli.”  “Get out of my face you Hochuli.”  Hey, I’ve got an idea…why don’t they fire Norv Turner and bring Marty Schottenheimer back?  That would be Hochuli-ing hilarious.

24. Seattle Seahawks (2-11) I like it when a team shows onions, and this weekend, the Seahawks showed some.  They still suck of course but that’s not important – they tried.  And they darn near beat the Patriots. That’s enough to elevate them above some other teams that would appear to have completely packed it in. And maybe the idea of moving Matt Hasselbeck out and going with Seneca Wallace isn’t entirely insane?  They could put in some Wildcat packages. Why not?  Look what it did for the Dolphins.

25. Green Bay Packers (5-8) The post-Favre era has not gotten off to a good start.  I don’t think the Packers are in horrible shape though.  I think they can re-tool in the off-season and come back strong in ’09 and contend in that crummy division of theirs.  They have to handle teams like Houston at home though.  That’s a bad loss.  That’s worse than getting de-nutted by the Saints or having Steve Smith smack them like they were his bitches.

26. Cleveland Browns (4-9) Romeo Crennel is gone and Marty Schottenheimer might be coming back.  Oh yeah?  Maybe they could solve their quarterback controversy by calling Bernie Kosar?  The only former Browns coach the fans want to hear about is Bill Belichick.  Unfortunately, he has a gig.

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9) Jack Del Rio is being marched toward the gallows and so is the general manager James “Shack” Harris.  What the hell does “Shack” mean anyway?  Is that some kind of Southern thing?  Was he born in a shack?  I’m guessing he doesn’t still live in one, unless he’s really colorful or a tad on the Unabomberish side.  If it were me I’d clean the whole sumbitch out…before the Jags become the Bengals.

28. Oakland Raiders (3-10) I had no idea the Raiders still had Andrew Walter around.  He had to come in against the Chargers after fat-ass JaMarcus Russell sprained his ankle.  Walter didn’t turn the team around – he just threw a pick, adding to the two Russell threw before his fat butt got hurt.  Darren McFadden is sinking out of sight in the meantime.  Dude had 164 yards Week 2 against the Chiefs and has rushed for exactly 195 in the 11 weeks since.  Okay, to be fair, he was hurt a bunch of those weeks, but still.  What a waste having him on this team.  If he’d been drafted by the Dolphins he’d probably be up for MVP.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-11) Chiefs fans are just marking time until Herm Edwards gets the boot.  They have some pretty decent pieces on offense but man…is that a shit defense.  I don’t know how the hell you rebuild that mess in short order.  You’d have to go on some kind of Jets-like spending spree, but we know the Chiefs don’t do that sort of thing.

30. St. Louis Rams (2-11) I can’t wait for this weekend’s epic showdown between the Rams and Seahawks.  Seriously – that game’s so bad, I’d rather watch Australia, Twilight and some Kate Hudson movie back-to-back-to-back.  I’d rather hang out at Paula Abdul’s house watching the stalkers off themselves.  I’d rather babysit Angelina Jolie’s kids after she fed them each a whole case of Smarties and a ten-pack of Red Bull.  That game’s so bad, it’s a wonder it’s not on Monday night.

31. Detroit Lions (0-13) Are the Lions really not the worst team in the league?  Yeah, they probably still are.  But let’s give due credit – they played hard against the Vikings.  And let’s be honest – isn’t it getting old, ripping on the Lions?  Detroit has so many problems now, with the economy and the car companies failing and Allen Iverson ruining the Pistons.  I sort of feel sorry for them.  So, for one week, let’s let the Lions be #31.  It’s the least we can do (since there’s no fucking way we’re buying a Ford or a Chevy).

32. Cincinnati Bengals (1-11-1) Chad Johnson predicted that the Bengals would go into Indianapolis and get their asses kicked and, guess what, he was right.  Clearly, Ocho should give up football and go into prognostication.  I wonder what other nuggets he could pull out of his ass for us.  “I predict that Amy Winehouse will smoke crack some time in the next 24 hours.”  Bingo.  “I predict that Coldplay’s next album will suck the big one.”  Right on Chad.  “I predict that Keyshawn Johnson will act really smug and say something calculated to be controversial and Chris Berman will fake-laugh and John Saunders will sit there like he wishes he were calling a Calgary Flames game somewhere.”  Damn, this guy’s on a roll.