There’s a new #1 team in the land kiddies – an NFC team, but not the Giants. I bet you’re in suspense now, eh? Also…it looks like the Cowboys have weathered the storm, just like the Eagles before them. Full power rankings after the jump:
1. Carolina Panthers (11-3) It is the power ranker’s great dilemma: Do I go with the hot team, or the team that’s done it over the long-haul? The long-haul supporter says stick with Tennessee here – yes they lost but it was to a Houston team that would be playoff material if they’d gotten off to a better start. The hot team supporter disagrees, saying Tennessee is flagging down the stretch and, in today’s NFL, the squad that gets on a late run is the most dangerous in the playoffs. I side with the hot-team argument, which puts Carolina at the top. They do a lot of what Tennessee does, but right now they’re doing it better. DAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart may not have originated that dopey nickname but they deserve it more. And Tennesee doesn’t have a single offensive weapon as electrifying as Steve Smith, who forces teams to re-adjust their whole defensive plan.
2. Tennessee Titans (12-2) See above for my reasoning on why I think the Titans should be #2. Being the best team the first half of the season doesn’t mean squat – otherwise the Colts would have about 5 Lombardi trophies. This doesn’t mean I think they should be downgraded from favorite status in the AFC though. It’s easy to get the blahs when you’ve clinched a playoff spot. The season is a grind and sometimes, especially late, you can lose your intensity. They should be able to get it back once the playoffs start. Of course, sometimes teams don’t. And they haven’t yet guaranteed themselves homefield either.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3) Mike Tomlin can say anything he wants – this team is ugly. It’s also apparently very lucky. Or maybe Walt Coleman has some kind of hi-tech Terminator eyes and he really could see, definitively, that the ball nicked the plane. Either way, Santonio Holmes should be thanking his lucky stars right now. He was all set up to be the goat until the Steelers pulled off that improbable game-winning drive capped by the disputed touchdown throw from Big Ben to him. Roethlisberger has the magic touch, that’s all there is to it. If you want a quarterback to go out and win you a game and stats be damned, I’m not sure Ben isn’t the guy you’d choose right now.
4. Indianapolis Colts (10-4) It looked for a second there like they might actually lose to the Lions, at home, which would’ve just about wiped out the whole nice winning streak they’ve put together to get back into the thick of it. Maybe they still deserve a downgrade for not putting the Kitties away sooner – like halfway through the first – but the Lions are gamers and anyway this ain’t that Colts team anymore. There’s just ugly, grinding, scrapping football all over the top of the AFC this year. Not a great season for those who enjoy aesthetics.
5. New York Giants (11-3) Uh-oh. I guess the Plaxico mess is a distraction after all. And the great equalizer Brandon Jacobs is now fighting injuries. There’s too much pressure on Eli Manning – a good but not great quarterback who had a magical run last year. They’re lucky they had that really good stretch and don’t need these games for anything but seeding. That being said, I have faith in Tom Coughlin’s ability to hold this thing together. They’ve weathered worse shitstorms.
6. Philadelphia Eagles (8-5-1) It’s really simple: Brian Westbrook tears it up, the Eagles look like champs. Brian Westbrook doesn’t tear it up, they look like the “a” should be replaced with a “u.” Someone must’ve put something in Andy Reid’s super-sized McDonald’s soda cup cause Philadelphia is now running the ball. 33 rush attempts vs. Cleveland, and before that, 41 against the Giants and 40 against Arizona. 40 used to be a good month for these guys. Unfortunately, they still might not make the playoffs – all because of that tie. And Philly fans will forever wonder how that game would’ve turned out had McNabb known he didn’t get another overtime.
7. Baltimore Ravens (9-5) What can you say – they had the Steelers beat, but couldn’t stop the miracle drive. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: A team cannot live on Matt Stover field goals alone. That’s wisdom. The playoff picture projections tell me they’d still be in if the season ended today.
8. Dallas Cowboys (9-5) There’s a pattern emerging in the NFC East this year: Team plays really well for awhile then falters, suffers all sorts of internal strife, is left for dead, resurrects itself and proves all the haters wrong. The Eagles successfully navigated this particular bullshit maze and it looks like the Cowboys may have too. Team unity has been restored. And how did they do it? By resorting to the tried-and-true method: Vilifying the media. There was never anything really wrong with them – it was all in Ed Werder’s twisted brain. Now they’ve got the old Us Against the World thing going. Of course this will only continue being effective if T.O. can keep a cap on his volcanic jealousies.
9. Miami Dolphins (9-5) Well how’s this for a situation kids: A three-way tie for the AFC East lead with two games left. This is where we all check the schedule to see who has the advantage. Unfortunately for Miami, their final two games are on the road. Fortunately for them, one is against the Chiefs. The other is in the Meadowlands against the Jets, and it’s possible that game will decide the thing. Chad Pennington relishes the chance I’m sure. So does Bill Parcells.
10. Atlanta Falcons (9-5) Nice bounceback win against Tampa. Unfortunately, as things stand right now, they need help to get into the postseason. And they don’t get anymore games against the AFC West, so they’ll have to do it legitimately. Well, sort of. They do get the Rams the last week of the season. That makes them a lock for 10 wins. Does this prove that Mike Smith is a great coach or that Bobby Petrino was a really, really bad one? Possibly both.
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-5) Brian Griese is no Jeff Garcia, no matter what Jon Gruden thinks. The Bucs are still in the driver’s seat however thanks to the schedule, which features not one but two dog AFC West teams, the Chargers and Raiders. Did I mention that those are both home games for Tampa? Did I also mention that Tampa is 6-0 at home? Were I a Tampa fan, I would feel pretty safe making arrangements to attend a playoff game the weekend of January 3-4.
12. New England Patriots (9-5) Bill Belichick is an object of scorn again after he threw a challenge flag while the Pats were up about 500 points on the Raiders this weekend. Do we not understand by now that this is simply who Belichick is? He coaches like he’s trying to pad his point-differential number to help his BCS ranking. Actually, the way the AFC East is shaping up, that point-differential tiebreaker might come into play. Maybe Belichick is more genius than douchebag after all.
13. Minnesota Vikings (9-5) They’re the hottest team in the NFC. Hotter than Carolina. Hotter than Philly. And they’re doing it now with Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback. They still didn’t deserve all that pre-season hype and they still aren’t going to make the Super Bowl – probably. All right, I’m starting to waver in my negativity. The hot team theory is making this bunch look awfully attractive right now. And they’ve got home games the last two, one against the Giants, making a #2 seed not entirely out of the question.
14. Houston Texans (7-7) Houston fans – I’m told there are some – are wondering what their season might’ve been had they not stunk it up the first four weeks. As it is, they are this season’s Cleveland Browns – a sexy offensive team that won’t make the playoffs but had a nice year to build on and will be a trendy pick next season. Now all they have to do is actually, you know, build on the good year, unlike the Browns. Andre Johnson is the best receiver in the league right now.
15. New York Jets (9-5) They needed a gift from Dick Jauron to avoid a three-game losing streak and an absolute cascade of snarky New York Post headlines. I hate to break it to the Jets but Brett Favre isn’t that good anymore. Kerry Collins is better right now and so are Jeff Garcia and Kurt Warner. Jets fans who are taking it for granted that they’ll beat the Seahawks next week…obviously, you have not been paying attention.
16. Chicago Bears (8-6) Thank goodness for the Saints, eh Bears fans? And thank goodness for well-timed pass interference calls and Daniael Manning. Let’s hope your boys don’t lay an egg against the sorry-ass Packers. That would be, you know, unfortunate.
17. Arizona Cardinals (8-6) How do you celebrate your first division title since Watergate? If you’re the Cards, you go out and get your asses whupped by the Vikings. These guys are lucky San Francisco didn’t slide Mike Singletary into place a few weeks earlier otherwise they might’ve ended up in a dogfight instead of cruising. Still, they can be dangerous in the playoffs. Kurt Warner has great receivers to throw to and can light it up for one game. Provided his offensive line doesn’t pull another disappearing act.
18. Denver Broncos (8-6) Let’s say I wanted to make an argument that the NFL shouldn’t give automatic playoff berths to division winners. Exhibit A would be the Broncos. Sorry, but this is not a playoff team. If they do manage to clinch, which is likely given that the Chargers have to travel to Tampa, the league should officially disqualify them and give the Texans their spot. Nobody wants to watch this team get dismantled in the first round…except Chiefs and Raiders fans.
19. San Francisco 49ers (5-9) I knew Miami would end their run. That’s okay. They’re still the most lovable team in the league right now thanks to Singletary and I bet they win their last two games and finish 7-9. The league should invoke the “disqualification on the grounds of general suckiness clause” I proposed in my Broncos bit and let them go into the post-season instead of the Cardinals.
20. New Orleans Saints (7-7) It was a bad year to be so-so in the NFC South. The Drew Brees for MVP talk ought to end now too. Not that he hasn’t had a good year but, you know, MVP should be for someone from a playoff team.
21. San Diego Chargers (6-8) Only the pitifulness of the Broncos has allowed the Chargers to stay in the division race this long. And, yes, a helping hand from the Chiefs who really ought to have beaten them Sunday. It’s okay though…the impossible dream is going to end in Tampa. Meanwhile, Philip Rivers is having a really incredible season. Has anyone noticed? He’s got a good shot at 4,000 yards and 30 TDs. Only Norv Turner could figure out a way to squander this much offensive talent.
22. Buffalo Bills (6-8) Dick Jauron is a pretty good coach I guess but man, you’ve gotta know when to just run out the clock. Not that it mattered anyway – the Bills have been out of it for awhile. They went cold as a December day in Buffalo. Their battery died and they lost their jumper cables, and it was Saturday and there were no garages open.
23. Washington Redskins (7-7) Jim Zorn said he feels like the worst coach in America, and I’m guessing Redskins fans are agreeing with that assessment right now. Clinton Portis surely does. Now Mike Holmgren’s name is popping up in connection with Zorn’s job. What a stunning fall that would be, from Coach of the Year candidate to potential one-and-done in just a few weeks. And by the way Jim, self-pity in front of the media ain’t gonna win you any points. Sniveling is for disgraced TV evangelists and Congressmen who get caught doing stuff they shouldn’t in airport bathrooms.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9) It’s been a disaster this season for the Jags. A win over the punchless Pack did nothing to relieve this. It certainly didn’t help Gregg Williams who will reportedly be dumped at the end of the season. The Jags had a short stint as a relevant team but now that’s over.
25. Seattle Seahawks (3-11) Congratulations to the Seahawks on getting out of the cellar of the NFC West. A team that looked utterly lifeless earlier in the season has been competitive in 5 of their last 6 games. Sadly they were only able to win one of those games. The Jets better not sleep on this team when they come in this Sunday.
26. Green Bay Packers (5-9) With their 9th loss, the Packers clinched just their second losing season since 1992 (the other came in ’05 when they were a dismal 4-12 – the year before Mike McCarthy took over for Mike Sherman). Just incidentally – the beginning of the Packers’ run of mostly winning coincided with the arrival of Brett Favre, who took over as the full-time starting QB for Don Majkowski a few weeks into the ’92 season. Favre was the starting QB for 16 years and had just the one losing record in ’05. Aaron Rodgers has been the starter for one year and has already equaled Favre’s total of sub-.500 finishes. Do I need to go on? Didn’t think so.
27. Cleveland Browns (4-10) The Browns didn’t figure to be 4-10 at this point, with Ken Dorsey as their QB and Romeo Crennel in full lame-duck mode, but here they are. And if they lose to the Bengals this weekend their humiliation will be complete – they will have been swept by Cincinnati.
28. Detroit Lions (0-14) So what’s the logic behind putting the Lions this high? It’s simple: The Lions were tied with the Colts in the fourth quarter before losing. None of the teams below them, in my estimation, would’ve even gotten that close against Indianapolis. A few of the teams above them wouldn’t have either frankly but there’s a limit to how far I could stretch this. I am officially picking the Lions to win their next two and finish 2-14. It will feel like they just won the Super Bowl.
29. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11-1) They’re 2-3-1 since starting the season with 8 straight losses. It’s all about the silver linings.
30. Kansas City Chiefs (2-12) KC fans have been screaming for Carl Peterson’s head for awhile, and they finally got it delivered to them on a pike. I imagine they would like Herm Edwards to be next but the buzz coming out of there is that he’s not going to be fired. Maybe they should fire Dwayne Bowe for not holding onto the onside kick that gave the Chargers a chance to beat them. It was a good week for late-game meltdowns, between KC, Buffalo and the Ravens.
31. Oakland Raiders (3-11) Here’s something positive for the Raiders – JaMarcus Russell played a halfway decent game against the Patriots. Okay, let’s be honest – the Pats got way up on Oakland and relaxed and allowed Russell to throw for 242 yards and 2 TDs. Who cares about the games, actually – the peripheral business is, as usual, much more entertaining. Today, Raiders coach Tom Cable – I wouldn’t be getting too comfortable with that title if I were him – went off on former coach Lane Kiffin who has been raiding the Raiders for assistants to take with him to his new gig in Tennessee. Apparently, Cable thinks these guys should show more loyalty to an organization they know good-and-well is going to fire them. This dude’s grasp of reality is almost as feeble as Al Davis’s grip on life.
32. St. Louis Rams (2-12) They’ve gone Wildcat the last couple of weeks. Guess what? They still stink. No, throwing passes to Marc Bulger is not the answer. And someone please tell Ed Hochuli we don’t care to hear about his groin. Was he kicked by a Chargers fan?
