Tennessee is back on top after throttling the Steelers.  The Giants are surging back too after stumbling.  And there sit the Colts, just chugging away.

1.  Tennessee Titans (13-2) What do you get the team that has everything (including homefield throughout the AFC playoffs)?  How about some class.  Yeah, we get it LenDale – you beat the Steelers.  And you stomped on the terrible towel to show how awesome you are.  Well, we knew you didn’t go to class at USC, and now we know you didn’t go to charm school either.  If there’s such a thing as karma, the Steelers will roll into Nashville in a couple of weeks and do to the Titans’ faces what White did to the towel.  Grow up you fat fool.

2.  New York Giants (12-3) The Giants could really use a big wide receiver/red-zone threat guy.  They used to have one but they’re not allowed to play with him anymore.  Maybe it won’t matter if their running backs can keep putting up 200+ yard games.  A second straight Lombardi trophy is still on their list and Santa has not yet crossed them off.

3.  Indianapolis Colts (11-4) Hmm…maybe Santa could bring Peyton Manning a new agent.  Honestly, the commercials – they were funny for awhile but it’s getting old.  I don’t know what I’m more tired of: Manning’s doof act or the caveman getting irked about Geico.  Actually, both pale in comparison to the Kay Jewelers commercials – the one with the deaf chick, which makes me wish television had never been invented, and the one with Jane Seymour.  Would someone please take Dr. Quinn back to the frontier?  A  dirty cowboy got cactus spines in his scrotum and he’d like her to look at them.

4.  Carolina Panthers (11-4) They asked for homefield but the grinchy Giants came and took it away.  They’ll have to content themselves with a #2 seed and a first-round bye (assuming they don’t get passed by the Falcons).  That’s not so bad – not as good as a #1 seed, but still, it’s not the sort of thing you would return.  It’s not like a gay sweater-vest or a singing fish or an HD-DVD player someone got on-sale at Shopko for $20.

5.  Pittsburgh Steelers (11-4) They really got spanked by Tennessee, but I doubt they’re very demoralized.  They’re spunky.  They’re a little like Darren McGavin in A Christmas Story, actually – kind of goofy but dogged and lovable in a crusty, working-class sort of way.  They dig leg-lamps and beating their record at tire-changing.  They just have to be more careful not to swear around the kids.

6.  Baltimore Ravens (10-5) There’s a big bright shiny box under their tree with a massive red ribbon.  Is it a playoff spot?  Maybe if they shake it they can tell.  Hmm…it doesn’t make a sound.  They’ll just have to wait to find out.

7.  Atlanta Falcons (10-5) Santa came early to the Falcons in the form of 4 Vikings turnovers and a ticket to the playoffs.  These guys are greedy though – they want more than just a pretty good gift.  They want the big one.  They figure they deserve it after the meteorite-sized lump of coal they got last year from Santa Vick and Santa Petrino.

8.  Miami Dolphins (10-5) Chad Pennington is going to get what he’s been wishing for since the Jets dumped him – a chance to go back to the Meadowlands and knock his old team out of the playoffs.  Nothing would make Chad happier than to slide down the chimney in his Santa costume, steal all the Jets’ somewhat battered-looking presents from under their slightly dried-out tree and flee like the wind that will probably be blowing all day Sunday in Jersey, making Brett Favre’s passes even less accurate than usual.

9.  New England Patriots (10-5) You know what the Patriots are wishing for – a Christmas miracle comeback for Tom Brady.  Really, does anyone think Matt Cassel is going to lead this team anywhere in the playoffs?  I know – he’s a decent quarterback.  He can put up a huge game on the Cardinals.  Sorry, but I ain’t buying it.  I’m not taking the Pats in Pittsburgh or Tennessee – hell, even Indy – with Cassel at the helm.  I want Santa on the sleigh – not some lucky elf.

10. Dallas Cowboys (9-6) Wade Phillips would like to buy Terrell Owens a nice big gag.  T.O. would like to purchase a big can of whup-ass and open it on Ed Werder.  Tony Romo has already knit Jason Witten a new pair of mittens.  Marion Barber wouldn’t mind a new toe.  Roy Williams (the receiver) would just like someone to explain to him why the hell he’s even on the team.  And Jerry Jones?  New face.  Yes, another one.

11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-6) They need a win to get into the playoffs and – thank you Santa – they are playing the Raiders.  Anything less than a 30-point victory would be a surprise.  Yes, Al Davis would love to play Scrooge – Dickens may have modeled the character after him for all I know – but money isn’t enough.  You have to have the players and Al doesn’t.  I’m guessing Jon Gruden would be tickled to once again stick it to his old team.

12. Chicago Bears (9-6) The Bears have been tearing open presents all week.  They got a big one from the Falcons and then an even bigger one Monday night from the Packers.  They’ll need two more if they want to make the post-season.  If that happens, they’ll be like the rich kid with all the awesome new stuff sticking it in the faces of the poor little bastards who got Salvation Army crap and cheap candy.

13. Minnesota Vikings (9-6) Adrian Peterson was the gift that kept on giving Sunday – unfortunately, the gift was the ball and the recipients were the Falcons.  Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to be helping his team get into the playoffs?  The football gods might not want the Vikings in the post-season in spite of Purple Jesus’s presence – they pitted Minnesota against the Giants this weekend, with Pat Williams on the shelf, and gave the Bears a shot at the middling Texans.

14. New Orleans Saints (8-7) Kim Kardashian has a naughty Mrs. Claus outfit with fishnets and she’ll be wearing it for Reggie.  Drew Brees needs a gigantic day against the Panthers to post a 5000-yard season, and Dan Marino’s all-time single-season record is within reach too.

15. San Diego Chargers (7-8) If the NFL had a sense of humor they’d assign Ed Hochuli’s crew to the Chargers-Broncos game.  Actually, if they really had a sense of humor, they’d kick the four teams in the AFC West right out of the league.  What a joke that the Chargers, with a win, will be in the playoffs at 8-8.  They were 4-8 not long ago.  Sure, give them credit for rattling off 4 victories (assuming they can get one more), but still…a team that won 4 of its first 12 has no business playing in the post-season.  Is this the NHL for Christ’s sake?

16. San Francisco 49ers (6-9) The moustache thing is stretching adorability to the breaking point – otherwise I still have a hard-on for this team (I mean that figuratively).  It’s too bad the NFC West champion couldn’t be determined via competitiveness down the stretch.  Or how about just staying in the game against New England, something the Cardinals didn’t come close to doing.  Actually, on that basis, the Seahawks would be in.

17. Houston Texans (7-8) They can still finish .500 on the season, which would be something of a feat given their 0-4 start.  Still, my enthusiasm for this club has come down a notch after the loss to the Raiders.  Oakland is the sort of team you have to stomp if you want to be considered for real.  Losing to them suggests that this squad is already getting full of itself…like the Browns did.  And we know what happened to the Browns.

18. Philadelphia Eagles (8-6-1) Someone kindly put out the lights on this team.  I’ve had enough of them.  And Andy Reid…maybe he’s finally eaten one pork chop too many and it’s lodged itself into one of the arteries leading to his brain.  That’s the only explanation I can see for why he would suddenly abandon the running game that was working so well and try to air it out against the Redskins.  Three points?  For a team that looked like an offensive juggernaut?  Has to be game planning.  There’s no other explanation.

19. Arizona Cardinals (8-7) Dr. NFL is now going to explain to the Cardinals the concept of going into the playoffs on a roll.  See Cardinals, what you want to do is gain momentum the last few weeks of the season so your team will have confidence when the post-season comes.  What you’ve done the last couple of weeks…um, no.  Not what the Dr. had in mind.  At all.  Especially that Patriots game.  You know that stuff falling down was only snow, right?  I mean, I realize you play in Arizona so you’re not used to it, but really…it shouldn’t throw you that much.  And another concept I’d now like to introduce – tackling.  That’s where you try to bring down the other guy’s ball-carrier as soon as possible.  Is any of this getting through?  Hello?  Cardinals?

20. Washington Redskins (8-7) Jim Zorn is not the worst coach in America.  He proved it by beating the Eagles who are coached by Andy Reid who, in spite of the way things went this weekend, is also not the worst coach in America.  Now Zorn’s job is safe for another year.  I don’t think Clinton Portis will be giving him a present though.

21. New York Jets (9-6) A savior was born 2000 years ago in Bethlehem.  Earlier this year, the Jets picked up their own savior – who turned out to be a fraud.  Well, I guess technically they could still make the playoffs – more in spite of Favre than because of him, it seems.  And Eric Mangini’s job is on the line?  From a cameo on The Sopranos to the cusp of joblessness in a few short years?  Maybe Belichick will take him back.  Ha…good one.

22. Buffalo Bills (7-8)

23. Denver Broncos (8-7) They probably shouldn’t be able to go into San Diego and clinch the playoffs but I have a funny feeling they will.  They haven’t been a very good team but they’ve been able to rise up when they’ve needed to.  I suppose I should give them credit for grit and determination.  I probably would if it weren’t so much fun to bash Shanahan.

24. Seattle Seahawks (4-11) Three of their four wins this year have come with Seneca Wallace at quarterback.  Of course, Matt Hasselbeck has been hurt much of the year, so it wasn’t like they had a choice.  I have a feeling Hasselbeck’s time with Seattle has drawn to a close one way or the other.  Shaun Alexander went and Mike Holmgren is leaving too – that Super Bowl seems ages ago now.  At least they’ve been able to finish this season with a few meaningless wins over unmotivated opponents.  So they’ll feel better about themselves, unless they think about things too much and realize they shouldn’t.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-10) They could still spoil things for the Ravens by beating them.  I wouldn’t put much money on that happening though.

26. Cincinnati Bengals  (3-11-1) Someone forgot to tell the Bengals that the season started in September.  They thought it started in November.  Hello, Cedric Benson?  Where did that come from?  It’s like he came driving in on some sort of water-craft, possibly inebriated.

27. Oakland Raiders (4-11) JaMarcus Russell has five 200+ passing games this season, two in the last two games.  This could mean he’s progressing.  Okay, so let’s say JaMarcus develops into a halfway decent quarterback (which seems a realistic enough possibility).  Next year, maybe the Raiders take advantage of his athletic gifts and those of Justin Fargas and Darren McFadden in some kind of Wildcat scheme – unless that’s too innovative for Al Davis who still wants to play like he’s got Ken Stabler back there.  I’m trying to work out some way the Raiders can be better than dismal in ‘09.  Not spending a lot of money on crap players this off-season would be a good start.

28. Green Bay Packers (5-10) Take heart Packers – it doesn’t look like Brett Favre has another year left in his arm, so you probably got lucky getting rid of him when you did.  It allowed Aaron Rodgers to get a year under his belt at least.  Perhaps next season your offense will blossom into the high-powered unit it has the talent to become.  It will need to score lots of points if your defense is as porous again as it was this year.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-13) They let another one kind of slip away, this time against Miami.  If this team could only have back the games they’ve blown late…Christ, they could be, like 5-10 right now.

30. Cleveland Browns (4-11) How do you know your locker room is dysfunctional?  When guys are smashing each other in the faces.  Of course Brady Quinn, the alleged victim of the alleged attack, denies the whole thing ever happened.  Romeo Crennel wouldn’t address the matter directly but he didn’t have to – the alleged attacker, Shaun Smith, was deactivated for the last game without being hurt or otherwise earning a demotion.  It’s safe to say Mr. Smith has played his last game in Cleveland.  It’s a testament to the talent this team has that they were able to be as good as they were in ‘07 in spite of an apparently inept organization.  Now it’s back to football Gulag for this whole sorry team.

31. St. Louis Rams (2-13) Maybe it wasn’t Scott Linehan’s fault after all.  The new rumor is that Marshall Faulk wants to take over coaching his old team.  Mike Martz is probably going to be available and so might Kurt Warner…so could a semi-Greatest Show on Turf reunion be in the offing?  Seems to me like a really dreadful idea.  Living in the past always is.

32. Detroit Lions (0-15) Um…how about Santa brings them a win.  Just a little one?