There was a time when Albert Haynesworth was in danger of going down in history as the guy who stomped on that other guy’s head.  But now Albert doesn’t have to worry about that.  He had one great year in Tennessee, and has successfully parlayed that isolated stretch of excellence into a 7-year, $100 million contract with the Washington Redskins, a contract that guarantees $32 million in compensation in the first 13 months.  So now Albert will be remembered for something other than the head-stomping:  He will be remembered as the one-year-wonder defensive tackle who totally fleeced Daniel Snyder.  Not [...]

The Yankees have been forced to ban Alex Rodriguez‘ infamous cousin Yuri Sucart from their facilities after A-Rod was caught being driven away from a spring training game by the former drug mule.   “Yuri won’t be around anymore,” a source told the New York Daily News. “They can’t stop him from hanging out with him away from the ballpark, but he won’t be at the ballpark.”  Reports say Sucart drove his Suburban right into a restricted area outside the park in Dunedin, Florida and picked up A-Rod and fellow Yankee Nick Swisher.  GM Brian Cashman claims he was not aware [...]

USC kicker David Buehler can make 100 game-winning field goals in his career, and he will still be known as the kicker who owned Rey Maualuga in the bench press at the combine.  He can win the Super Bowl with a last-second boot and people will still remember him as the dude who got 225 pounds up 25 times – more than Michael Oher or Eugene Monroe – despite being a kicker.  Unfortunately for Buehler, his reputation has now gotten around, which means that when he does land in the NFL, guys are going to be looking to light him [...]

The Celtics haven’t had a chance to formally sign Stephon Marbury yet – he still needs to clear waivers – but even their (unacknowledged) intention to do so is apparently enough to piss off the gods.  Either that or Gabe Pruitt, the Boston reserve who was busted for DUI in Hollywood early this morning, is a stupendous dumb-ass.  Whatever the case, Mr. Pruitt may now add his name to the ever-growing list of athletes who have demonstrated their utter contempt for society by endangering themselves and others in just about the stupidest way you possibly can, short of offering a [...]

Rejoice all ye people of earth:  Tiger Woods is back as of this afternoon’s Accenture Match Play Championship from Dove Mountain in Arizona.  As you know (unless you are dead), Tiger had knee surgery and hadn’t played in a tournament since June 16 of 2008.  Gosh, remember June 2008?  Remember how good everything was (besides Tiger being hurt)?  The economy seemed okay.  The Cubs were in the pennant race.  No one had ever heard of Russell Brand.  And now…well, things have gone downhill since Tiger last teed it up.  But I think there’s hope for us.  Tiger’s on the golf [...]

Eric Mangini and George Kokinis adopted a quarterback headache when they took over the Browns.  They’ve had a few weeks to look over the situation now, and have so far come to agreement on one thing:  Brady Quinn sucks.  Okay, the word used by the ever-popular “sources within the organization” was “lukewarm,” but you know they really meant to say he sucks.  The fat one.  Unfortunately, their other option is Derek Anderson, who was good a couple years ago but last year also leaned toward the sucky side of the scale.  So maybe now they’re going to trade Quinn instead [...]

Reading in bed can be very dangerous…just ask Fernando Tatis, who was scratched from Monday’s Mets intrasquad game after waking up with a sore right palm.  Yeah, I bet it’s happened to you too.  You’re lying there reading some Tolstoy before hitting the sack, not realizing the intense strain you’re putting on your palm from clutching the thick volume.  Then you wake up in the morning and can’t even move the damn thing.  I’m telling you, many a good man has been felled by their love of Theodore Dreiser.

The New York Knicks have at last arrived at an agreement with Stephon Marbury that will allow the troublesome point guard to become a free agent.  ”Under [the agreement's] terms, the grievance has been resolved and the Knicks have requested waivers on Stephon,” the Knicks said in a statement.  “No additional terms will be disclosed.”  No additional terms…like how much money the Knicks had to pay Stephon to go away.  I’m guessing it was a lot.  Enough to buy many thousands of pairs of Stephon’s cheap shoes.  Or many hideous facial tattoos.  Or lots of plane tickets to Boston…so members [...]