Sarah Blewden (Bournemouth News & Picture Service)
Sarah Blewden wanted bigger boobs to help her modeling career, so she did what any self-respecting halfway attractive modern girl with unrealistic aspirations and a fragile self-image would do: She got implants. Then, Sarah’s life took an unexpected twist: She discovered a talent for boxing, and decided to pursue a new dream – making the Olympics. Unfortunately, those same implants that helped Sarah’s modeling career proved a hindrance in her new sport. Officials informed Sarah that, if she kept getting punched in the boobs, the implants could become distorted and damage whatever real tissue was left. Sarah was ready to take the risk: Unfortunately British boxing officials weren’t, and banned Sarah and her fake 32Bs from competition. Now Sarah is steaming mad, saying:
I think it is just ridiculous. My surgeon said they make me no more vulnerable than any other woman. They are not enormous ones – they are in proportion. They are gel implants and not liquid so they won’t burst. And if I suffer capsular contracture and need to pay for corrective surgery then that is my decision.
Oh, just let her box, uptight British officials. What’s the worst that could happen? She catches one in the wrong spot and her boob explodes. That kind of thing happens at Gallagher shows every night. Just have the fans in the first few rows wear raincoats. Put up a sign warning people they’re in danger of being spattered with fake boob gel. Odds are it won’t happen anyway. Most likely, Sarah will just wind up with dented boobs. Then she can rent herself out as a sexy human fruit bowl for freaky parties. It’s all good.
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