Archive for February, 2009

Dallas Cowboys coaches are presently operating under a gag order imposed on them by owner Jerry Jones, who believes there was too much chattering to the media during the team’s epic 2008 collapse.  Said order came glaringly to light when head coach Wade Phillips arrived at the combine and told reporters it was “against the rules” for him to answer any of their questions.  Normally, when Wade doesn’t answer questions, it’s because he’s got a bearclaw shoved in his mouth, not because the guy who signs his checks has told him to zip it. Does Jerry Jones really believe this [...]

NHL security officials are being dispatched to Canada to look into the alleged criminal connections of several members of the Montreal Canadiens.  The suspected organized crime links came to light after the arrest of Montreal thug Pasquale Mangiola, who, it has been learned, is tight with Canadiens players Andrei and Sergei Kostitsyn and Roman Hamrlik.  Reports describe Mangiola as having “acted as an intermediary between a number of rival criminal gangs in Montreal.”  Not to open a whole can of worms, but can you imagine the poopstorm if this happened in the U.S. with basketball players?  NBA ballers with ties [...]

Suns forward Amare Stoudemire will miss 8 weeks after surgery to repair a partially detached retina in his right eye.  The kicker here is that Stoudemire had already suffered an eye injury and should’ve been wearing protective goggles, but elected not to do so.  I’m telling you – if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear the Suns are cursed.  If I were Steve Nash I’d be careful around ladders.  If I were Shaquille O’Neal I’d avoid crossing busy highways.  If I were Steve Kerr I’d be getting my resume together.  Somewhere, Terry Porter is laughing his ass off.

Katie Couric has every reason in the world to despise Alex Rodriguez:  After all, A-Rod did lie to her face when telling her in a 2007 interview that he never took steroids.  But Katie must be a lot more understanding than most people because, in spite of A-Rod basically using her, she has chosen to see beyond the smug, cheating, mendacious exterior to the naive, insecure, marshmallowy-soft A-Rod within.  Katie explained her feelings about A-Rod in an interview with columnist Lloyd Grove: I think [A-Rod] means well. I think he’s just a person who’s trying to find his way, and [...]

There are two kinds of people in the world:  Those who support Angelina Jolie, and those who support Jennifer Aniston.  Danica Patrick has made it known that she is one of the former.  Unless, in her world, calling someone old is a sign of solidarity.  “You go Jen.  I love you…even if you are a decrepit hag with a closet homosexual fake bluesman for a boyfriend.”  Note to Danica:  It’s Angelina Jolie, not Angeline.  Yes, I know, you spend your life inhaling fumes, but that’s no excuse.

Verne Gagne, 82-year-old legend of professional wrestling, is being investigated in connection with the death of 97-year-old Helmut R. Gutmann, his former roommate at the Friendship Village rest home in Bloomington, MN.  Reports say Gagne, who suffers from Alzheimer’s, got in a physical altercation with Gutmann at the home in late January.  The fight ended when Gagne threw Gutmann to the floor, causing Gutmann to suffer a broken leg and a head injury.  The victim never recovered from said injuries and died 20 days later.  This was apparently not the first time Gagne and Gutmann, who incidentally also had dementia, [...]

I follow hockey about as closely as I follow Peruvian cockfighting…which means I’m not really qualified to comment on the apparent awesomeness of this goal by Alexander Ovechkin, who I’m told plays for the Washington Capitals in this league called the NHL.

Yuri Sucart was once just another humble man trying to make his way in the world…but now the Miami resident finds himself at the center of the steroids firestorm, thanks to his cousin Alex Rodriguez, who revealed Sucart’s role – but not identity – during his infamously lame Monday press conference from Yankees spring training. A-Rod claims to have sent Sucart to the Dominican Republic to procure the steroid Primobolan, also known by the adorable street-name “boli,” while he was playing for the Texas Rangers.  “He basically took an instruction from me and felt he was doing something that was [...]