Michael Jackson was a lot of things in his life: adorable child star, great pop/R&B singer, electrifying live performer, music video pioneer and all-time best-selling recording artist. But, there was one role Michael may have excelled in above all others: pop culture sideshow freak.
Sometimes his outrageousness seemed deliberate; other times he seemed merely an innocent victim being tossed about by a cruel fate. And sometimes, he was just downright effed-up. While everyone else is busy remembering Jackson the singing and dancing sensation, we pay tribute to the man, the myth, the complete wack-job:
10. A Cry for Help
Joseph Merrick, aka The Elephant Man, was the most famous freak of his day. A hundred years after Merrick’s death, another renowned celebrity, Michael Jackson, would give an early indication of his own freakish tendencies by attempting to purchase the poor unfortunate man’s mortal remains. Contrary to belief, Jackson was never successful in this endeavor, so you can purge your brain of that vision of a tea party with Michael, Bubbles, Corey Feldman and the Elephant Man’s bones. It never happened.
9. Pajamas Are Not Appropriate Courtroom Attire
Michael’s child molestation trial turned into a media circus complete with daily helicopter tracking of his every move. One day he decided he just wasn’t going to show up for court. Only problem – you have to show up for court, even if you’re Michael Jackson. So Michael’s people dragged him out of bed and hauled him to the courtroom – without bothering to get him a change of clothes.
8. Bubbles
Michael first introduced us to Bubbles, his pet chimp, in 1987 – back when most people didn’t yet realize how out of his skull he was. Michael loved Bubbles so much, he used to take the chimp on the road with him, and sleep in the same bed with him. This was years before people found out that chimps make bad pets. Thankfully, Bubbles never attacked Michael or anyone else. He was finally sent to live in an animal sanctuary, and upon his death, was turned into a sculpture via a ghoulish process called “plastination.” Even in death, Bubbles remains a symbol of his one-time owner’s creepiness.
7. Michael Issues a Statement from Neverland
Facing intense media scrutiny after accusations of “improper conduct” with a child, Michael decided to speak directly to his fans via video. There were, however, several problems with his statement: 1) It made him look like a cult leader releasing encoded orders to his freak-job minions; 2) He insisted on talking about his “penis” and “buttocks,” which did nothing to dispel his growing perv reputation; and, 3) He blubbered exactly like a guilty person always does while insisting they’re innocent. The net result? People went from suspecting Jackson was frakked to knowing he was.
6. Crotch-Grab Mania
The release of Michael’s Black or White video was a major television event, but fans who stayed up to witness their hero’s latest opus were treated to more than they bargained for: an entire post-song dance sequence filled with images of Michael fingering his own crotch. The junk-grabbing got so disgusting, most didn’t even notice that the sequence was also absurdly violent and made no freaking sense. Public protests led to the dance number being removed from subsequent showings of the video. Nothing, however, could erase our memories.
5. Hair On Fire
Michael Jackson was at the height of his fame when he signed on to appear in an epic Pepsi commercial with his brothers, but triumph nearly turned to tragedy when an on-set pyrotechnics mishap set Michael’s hair on fire, causing his scalp to be badly burned. This horrific accident may actually have been the beginning of Michael’s life-long, and ultimately fatal, relationship with pain killers. It certainly didn’t help his brittle self-image to have his scalp torched off by fireworks. (What follows is a re-enactment of the event from some cheesy TV movie.)
4. Kissing Lisa Marie
It was hailed by a few as a union of two of show biz’s great families, and condemned by almost everyone else as something sick, wrong and disgusting. I’m talking about the marriage between Michael and Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of Elvis. I’m still not entirely sure what that whole thing was about – Michael trying to quiet the homosexual pedo rumors I guess – but I do know that, when Michael and Lisa Marie decided to go public with their love by sucking face on MTV, it made for one of the cringingest moments in world history.
3. Sudden…But Not Entirely Shocking
I guess we should’ve known that Michael would make a disturbing and mysterious end. He was, after all, Michael Jackson. His entire life had become a sad spectacle, so of course his death would have to be one too – and a full-on media orgy as well. Rest in peace Michael. You sure as hell didn’t get much peace on earth.
2. Please Tell Me That’s a Special Effect
For most people, dying suddenly of an apparent drug-induced heart attack would be far-and-away the most effed-up moment of their existence – but not Michael Jackson, whose untimely demise is surpassed by two moments of such staggering weirdness that I’m still not sure I entirely believe in them. The penultimate effed-up moment marked the point where Michael crossed the line from mere everyday show-biz freakishness to crazy horror-movie-villain levels. He was in court for something – I forget now; he was in court so damn much, you know – and the judge objected to his wearing his trademark surgical mask. So, in a moment out of Phantom of the Opera, Michael removed the mask…to reveal the tattered, tortured, deformed remains of his oft-discussed nose. We knew before that Michael was a plastic surgery freak, but we had no idea it was like this.
1. Holy Bleep, He Almost Dropped His Baby From a Hotel Balcony
What possesses a man to dangle his own infant son over a hotel balcony in full view of hundreds of people not to mention TV cameras? Within that question lies, I believe, the essence of the Michael Jackson enigma. There was just something missing there. Even crazier than the act, though, was the willingness of certain people to defend Jackson in spite of the insanely stupid thing everyone had seen him do. Some people, it seems, never wanted to believe that Michael really was that effed up. They chose to live in a fantasy world nearly as profound as Michael’s own, in which Michael was just a misunderstood Peter Pan, a poor tragic man who lost his childhood and spent the rest of his life trying to get it back. Well, he wasn’t the only one who ever felt that way. Most people deal with it by buying a Ferrari when they turn 45. Michael Jackson dealt with it by building his own amusement park, playing with chimpanzees, chopping his own nose off, plying children with Jesus juice so he could do God knows what, and nearly dropping an infant to his death.
Misunderstood? Probably. Tragic? Perhaps. Effed-up? No question about it.
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